Damn!...it was kinda painful...not extremely...but it gives me a headache...plus i'm taking the studs in and out...to cover it from my parents.....with the lil blood and all..they might think it's another pimple..hahaha...

they'll find out..sooner or later...

It's just that..i don't wanna pick up a point to argue...i haven't started packing yet..i don't know why i'm procrastinating...

Tonight...i'm just gonna enjoy eating tom yam at Yankies Hut...

Peace...

..i'm leaving for a vacation tommorow...suppose to have a presentation today and release my program...supposed to be released from one big burden.....only to learn that i only gain more today...damn u Alan H. from freescale Austin...a day full of meetings...with or without content..i just couldn't be bothered....

i scribbled the gist of what i should edit to my program...and leave it scribbled on a piece of paper...too bad i don't have pencil colours...if not it'd be a kindergarten sheet by now...
let's just dunk it for next week...with another pile of work.....no difference...since demands are always changing through weekly period.

i just finished another survey on friendster..hehe...one question came across...what's your greatest phobia factor...
Kukaracha!!!...COCK'u'roaches....lipas kudung!kambing punya lipas!....i'm phobic of all insects...but on top of the list is cockroaches...especially those flying ones...why?
i remember when i was a kid...while i was sleeping on the sofa..i felt something tingling inside my panties...nothing sensational need i remind you...when i reach my hands inside my panties...it was this gruesome black in colour roach in the grasp of my hands....i went..."waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!"......just imagine where it's been..and just imagine that it's on top of your pussy doing what?............i just can't bare the thought until now...gives me the shivers...
enough talking about insects.....but wait..i told you i'm no mood to do my work.....i rather talk cock mind u.....indeed this is my blog...so sew me for bluntness if you please....

what else was on the survey.....hmm let me see...ouh yeah...my worst habit...biting finger-nails...i can't remember when i developed this habit..it's disgusting...i am a lil disgusted by it..though still figuring out a way to stop....but i simply conform to the psychological explanation why people bite their finger nails..."nervous or low self-esteem"..."brain's agressively functioning".....i'm not sure to which category i fall into...i guess the latter....i noticed whenever i'm working the brains out for some hard figures and calculation..sorting out problems on calculus, or programming...i'd be chewing the nails..haha..yucks huh..u tell me..but it works on working the brain bit....it's just like some human behaviour..like some kids..roll their pens while they're hearing lectures..or solving mathematical problems.....so give it a plus point for that....

damn..i was interrupted again..by another meeting...

ouh well..time to say good bye to my colleages...carry on human with your daily obligations...

I'll stop bye One Utama to get a nose piercing...another spontaneously planned action...

One more day to go....i can hardly wait...
ouh..what am i doing...i should be sleeping.....
or should i write?..what should i write?....
ngantuk lar..."tidor la"...you would advise....
tak boleh tido?...tak jugak...taknak tido?...tak jugak?
i feel heavy...i should be exercising...i haven't drink my tea...
penat la...
Tidur la sayang...

okay...
Good Night...

*daily monologue..recorded at 1.05 A.m. ...the only time i managed to have an internal dialogue for today....

Here's another one...
wingwomen is not another normal dating service...neither it is a G.eneral R.elations O.fficer service....
if you wanna know more...visit their website...
www.wingwomen.com.my
I don't wanna elaborate
you'll be amazed on how people play around with psychology and make money out of it....

I was bored and browsing the new feauture on friendster..."the classifieds"..and came across this...i have no clue of the genuineness..or perhaps it was posted for the sole purpose of joke...anyways...i did have a good laugh reading at such seriously-written post...don't they have anything better to do?....so...anybody interested?..LOL...;P

Aiseh men...just a few nights ago...i had an accident..a minor one that is...
On my way home i was calmly trying to accept that things just happened...and i did..
figured out on settling the guy's damaged and so forth...

Unfortunately some other people, just couldn't go on the same wave as you do..they refuse to succumb to what was unpredictably shouldn't have happened could've happened .Instead they they would rather go regretting the very moment before the unlucky incident that you chosed to do so...that you could've avoided it..if you did not *this and that*

The thing that i don't understand up until now even though i've spent some time thinking deeply into it, is that when i heard the words "paying for the guy's damage..wouldn't solve the problem"....then what does?...i mean of course, a little regret will come an impact, but from right where you stand after the incident...you have only a choice of a stepfoot forward to go,which is to settle it off, and get by with some package of regret and awareness .....but what you can't have is, to turn back the time, and choose not to go out that night...that's just how it is...

i was fighting the feeling of dispute towards the actions that i took...and i won, i did not succumb to anger when things didn't turn out to what you expected....but confronting another person who thinks the otherwise...i lost it, i was pissed....anger took over.. i was still trying to understand his logic which didn't turn out to be logical at all to me...so for that night...i didn't regret a single bit of moving on with life, but regret the whole process of losing to temporary temper.....

So today, good things in the morning....another gamelan performance...i got an enthusiast photographer ..who keeps snapping pictures of me...down to my every movements...up to the time while we finished performing, and i was packing the instruments...i felt uncomfortable..but conform to his interest and cooperate indirectly...in fact it is his passion...which i greatly support..taking pictures of real people in scenarios.....so be it...got some good payments today..which comes handy since my budget was slipping due to the accident...

So i went software hunting at low yat...met and old friend..having nice chat, and later discover that i lost my phone...hehe what's weird is...i remember the very last moment where i put the phone, from my jeans pocket to my bag...thinking it was safer...and before we left dome...we made sure nothing was on the table..hmm...so i guess..for the second time in the week..if it happens..it happens...i was dissapointed... but rather calm about it, i could retrieve back the number...which is a good thing...provided that i spend some money that i just got..which is the bad thing....hmm..money come and go man...just not your sanity please...so i guess this week is a whole process of testing my anger-proof shield...hahahaha..but i feel so calm..it's nice being dissapointed without getting angry...i appreciate this dissapointment more than anything...as it teaches me to be accepting towards things...i have accepted worst things than a slip of luck...

goshh..i promised myself to write shorter blogs...subtle words..yet powerful impact...but i just couldn't help it...it flows like water from the damp..who cares anyways....i just hope i'm not out of space limit in a shortwhile...

good night and day...

Gamelan.."a sense of art in a form of music"

*I might not be able to recall all of you...and what exactly i have done to hurt you...you know who you are..only you could remember every single bit of pain i've caused...*

I'm not egoistic enough to say that i sometimes mean to hurt.....look at it from this concept..

"i'm not a sun to please everyone"

...and in fact...even the bright sun could get a lil annoying to certain people...

Maybe it's a lil hard to believe that sometimes annoyance derrives from seeking too much attention from a person or even the "pretty-please-please-me-today" attitude...I work hard...seriously...with all my will i work hard to TRY to please everyone.....sometimes it just got out of hand....sometimes i sacrifice my time to do things that i should've done.......i sacrifice the matter i should focus on...sacrifice all in terms of energy, a space of time for myself , and most importantly my PEACE OF MIND.....

when it's just too much to handle...that's when things get pretty ugly...i DEMAND for my self-righteous mundanity....and being the highly-criticisive Bitch doesn't seem to turn pretty to certain people...i would inevitably conform to sarcasm under the sole purpose for others to regard myself as intolerable word-fireball machine...and bear in mind "stay away from this girl...she's no longer a human being".....

Truth is...It's not hard to get by without turning on the beast-mode of me ...by just being yourself...not even trying to impress me...and throw those.."herie..herie..look at me..i'm here" attitude...i..know you're there....unless i was being ignorant...i know....i'm a very silent observer...i open my door to almost enyone i encounter throughout my life....without them knowing...i open a secret door inside of me to accept them in my life..regardless of which position you stand for.......

my concept is quite simple...you want in...to a great win-win encounter between two human being...you're most welcomed...you want in for me to be all you want me to be....go get a nanny...i don't want a boy/girl to babysit...if i do...i would literally adopt an orphan and do so if my financial permits...and if you want in ...to bring me hurt....please do so...i'll leave a scar in your life in return....

along the way...my interpretion and perception towards people might have been slipping from it's course...i'm bound to err...for those whom i have hurt unintentionally....I trully am sorry....

What started as just a music certainly did not end half way as it always did to me in many areas of interest .....i might have changed from organ to guitar...from acoustic to classical....but apart of my indecision to pursue in only one stream , i have always whole-heartedly idulged in whatever music i was into...hope it might not appear to others as a sin that I don't finish what I started....more or less i don't give a 'sun'

The last obsession was gamelan....and NO... it didn't trigger since the Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam screening...if you were you to accuse...i would've been a folklore ghost legend already....
my first encounter was when i went to mom's graduate ceremony...when i heard this beautiful sound synchronizing with the silence of the hall..i knew someday i'd be making sounds on the shiny bronze parts on the lovely hand-crafted wood...

I forward what happened in between...I'm almost already a certified gamelan instructor ...enjoying the oppurtunities to perform at various cultural events, and shows at prestigious hotels...I'm beginning to wonder how much further can i get from here.....Once i came across an ad posting in kakiseni.com...saying that Rhythm in Bronze Gamelan team was looking for new players....with a package of nervosity and a very little confidence...i brace myself to go...invited a friend from ASK with the same passion to come along...also due to lack of confidence...but the invitation was sincere though....went through the whole auditioning process...surprised me to see there was around 40 of us came for the audition...all races...mostly studying in ASK...partly have or currently pursuing a degree in music.....i felt like a 'la-la-doo-dee-wannabe' among those people....first stage of audition went by...we were shortlisted down to 10....we were asked to perform an ensemble session ...and promised a phone call if we were selected.....so the very next day...a guy from RIB called...i even remembered his name..kevin...imagine how excited i was....only to kill the enthusiasm...he said i'd have to come for a second round audition..i was like.."what?!!!!"...inside my head....apa-apa je la....so i went...4 of us out of the previous 10 made it...i'm the only lady...my friend jay got in...another guy...an engineer from MAS..previously played with geetagangsa istana budaya...and MELVIN...the guy with a music diploma from ASK...a funny person...just that he has a problem with punctuality......
hehe..just as the story was about to get juicy...i have to tell you....i have long accepted the fact that i didn't get in...ouh well...not the luck then...

The second concurrent luck was getting myself a bonang(the gamelan indicator instrument..ala...mcm the one in PHSM tu)....i just got the whole set last month...and it's a beauty!!!!..i don't know how i managed to persuade my dad...to pay half of the price...hehehe...but i've always been his precious daughter...and he'll always be my Great dad!(bodek)...i said to him...that it'd be nice if we could put it in the living room...as one of the antique....Right!...it ended up stranded in my crowded room!...i can't help it...it just breaks my heart to see little adorable devilish kids plays my bonang like a drum set as though they were dave grohl.....NOOOooooo!!!!...my gamelan family tried to scare me with the old superstitious saying that at nights...i will hear them playing by itself...DAmn you!

Third luck from the sun....was having to be invited to go for a cultural visit to indonesia...solo...where my gamelan daddy bought all the gamelan sets...i'll be going there end of this month..with my gamelan siblings...and some admin team from my Uni. we'll be going to one of the gamelan maker place..Pak Sukirman...long live!!!...to see how it was made from the scratch...and to learn some tunes...we'll be like kiai kanjeng team in no time...wooohoooo....

Fourth luck.....Neo..the genius friend of mine...informed me about one of our lecturer..Dr. Salina...proposed him to do a final year thesis with her...and the title is...Malaysian traditional music:the advanced sound filtering and synchronization.....let me translate this to you...she wants to do a project on electronic gamelan!!!!!...honestly i have thought about this with my gamelan siblings before...thinking that it wouldn't be an appropiate case..we just had a good laugh at it...and now...as Neo is not a slightly bit interested in it..coz he doesn't play any music...he refered my name to dr. salina...thanks neo! i love you!!!!..hahahah

ahhh..what a beauty...just how much luck can you get?...i have a dream...I wanna be out and about...living in foreign countries with the command language is not English...to learn the their language...and also to teach them a piece bit about our malaysian heritage of gamelan..yup that's right...historically..gamelan is originated from java and bali...but on the musical terms...we preserve our own unique songs composed by our Sultan...
hmm..i have written a few contemporary gamelan songs...if i had more time..i'd try to record and play it somewhere on the net...for a lil piece of hearing..and i have a phototaking project with my friend....to take some unique pictures of the bonang..(my name was also encrypted on it..only that my gamelan teacher spelled it wrongly!!!...faz with an 's'")...:(....love gamelan...."a sense of art in a form of music"...i quote gamelan

I can't avoid speaking of it anymore.....my every last glance at you accompanied by fear....i can't stand the fact that most of the time i walk into your room ,i'd see you vomitting excessively into the blue pail; allocated beside your bed....it's like you became somewhat dependent on it....everytime after you eat...you'd be looking for the pail...knowing for sure you'd contribute

i know you're not making it up...i know you wished that we could ease your pain......how could we if we too are deeply in pain inside seeing you like that...you've been strong....if asked wether if you're okay even when you're not...you'd nod your head weakly...even when your expression completely contradicts.....everytime before Abah brings you to the hospital for another session...i could see the changes in your face...and you stood quietly..........if it was me 'ma'...i would scream ...i would scream and run away as fast as i could......why don't you just do that?....i would understand......but you just stood there...quietly....

And Abah?....He always had the luxury of being taken care of by you....during his well and sick times.....and when reality is starting to have it's turning point...he almost failed to handle his emotions....i remember once when he came to me...asking me to take him to the clinic..."Abah sakit dada la na"....The doctor diagnosed him and said there's nothing wrong with him...and convinced him it might be due to anxiety problems.....so much of hurting in the heart that it actually affects you physically?....yes i believe in that...it's been quite sometime until he pulled himself together and gather the strength to finally return your years of loving and care...he had sacrificed so much...down to his temporary happiness....down to his graceful years of retiring and growing old...down to his own health....

my parents...they might not have an interesting love life such as yasmin ahmad's parents......but through what i've witnessed.....their love reaches the highest point ever since my mom got sick.....seeing the way he comforts her...the way he runs his fingers through mom's balding head as though he enjoys touching it so much....he would hug her whenever she's having difficulties to sleep....he watches every soap operas that my mom follows although he used to hate and criticize them so much..just to accompany her....if my mom have the sudden urges to eat something she craved for...he'd rush out to get them instantly....even when he knows...she'll only eat a few pinches and ends up vomitting it all out ..he even fell down the drain the other day...while he was looking for nasi beriyani for my mom....returned home with a bruise on his cheek...ouh that old man....if you could only see his aged face ...with the bruises...and imagining how he fell down......i just cried...

...it's ironic that even during their sick times...they are indirectly teaching me to be strong...i guess as a parent..they will never retire ...i can handle many kinds of people...but when it comes to sick people...especially the ones i love...i just have to admit that i'm not brave enough....it scares me so much of the thought of losing them......you know you're not in control of the situation......i have not much to offer .....only something in return of what you have given me for years...your love.

life has it's own offering

did i scare?.....i know the previous post was rather depressing.....perhaps i should... just be honest...indeed this is my blog..my journal...i was having a sudden erupt of emotional rapture.....everyone seems to be hiding in their own sanctuary...meditating from lifeless ordinary...i sprained my ankles...steps aerobic was just too much of fun...i just couldn't stop...knowing i'd carry a swollen ankle the next day....i read my horoscope that current day...mentioning something about me having some intolerable moments with my temper...and that i best not associate with another person in anything... .i smiled over the glory..of having everything in control......the day went perfectly fine...perfectly perfect...little that i know what was coming ahead...

proud of having to defy fate.....as a person who loves every single day at first wake.....i woke up the next day ...ready to face another day of working..unfortunate at first footstep of the day...bearing pain of my previous overindulgence....seems like going to work is another slip of possible....it killed my enthusiasm i had on finishing the programme i was writing.....but i resorted on working comfortably with my laptop....until suddenly there's a sudden power cut off!!!....and i couldn't restart the bloody laptop...the system crashed...!!!..period...i was so angry...i have not felt such high resentment for a long time...i tried restoring the system...i accidentally reformatted the whole thing...so the old system was overwritten...i'm not much of a computer literate.....so in this case..on that day...i was just an unfortunate fool......

but the thing that bothers me so much is the unhealthy feeling of resentment...it's a normal procedure for a normal person to get angry when things doesn't turn out to what they pre-expected...but extremely angry?...over a tech-failure?...and i do mean "extreme"...i cried...i felt like breaking something up....i did give the laptop a good slam...i was shivering angry...seriously...i don't know where this somesort of energy is coming from.....i haven't cried, or lose my temper for months..more than a year if i'm not calculating it wrong.....
could it be accumulated since the very last day i stopped releasing emotions...i have never been a tantrum -oriented person...not unless provoked...

so i spent half the day grudging and crying...where is the power of "control" i presume i had the previous day?....later in the evening...i regain my sanity...installed everything back into the computer.......although i have lost quite a number of recent files and pictures...i had some back up....at the end of the day....i have lost most of my energy....i felt asleep......

i regretted that i chose to succumb to my furiosity...i could've calmly redo everything..and save half-the-day from "losing it".....you know..in life...things happens unpredictably...but how you resolve the problem is in your control...wether you wanna spend the whole day being angry...or debugging the problem which have you caused you the pain in the first place....

kenapa lar bengang sgt?

LoVe N PeACe