I can't avoid speaking of it anymore.....my every last glance at you accompanied by fear....i can't stand the fact that most of the time i walk into your room ,i'd see you vomitting excessively into the blue pail; allocated beside your bed....it's like you became somewhat dependent on it....everytime after you eat...you'd be looking for the pail...knowing for sure you'd contribute

i know you're not making it up...i know you wished that we could ease your pain......how could we if we too are deeply in pain inside seeing you like that...you've been strong....if asked wether if you're okay even when you're not...you'd nod your head weakly...even when your expression completely contradicts.....everytime before Abah brings you to the hospital for another session...i could see the changes in your face...and you stood quietly..........if it was me 'ma'...i would scream ...i would scream and run away as fast as i could......why don't you just do that?....i would understand......but you just stood there...quietly....

And Abah?....He always had the luxury of being taken care of by you....during his well and sick times.....and when reality is starting to have it's turning point...he almost failed to handle his emotions....i remember once when he came to me...asking me to take him to the clinic..."Abah sakit dada la na"....The doctor diagnosed him and said there's nothing wrong with him...and convinced him it might be due to anxiety problems.....so much of hurting in the heart that it actually affects you physically?....yes i believe in that...it's been quite sometime until he pulled himself together and gather the strength to finally return your years of loving and care...he had sacrificed so much...down to his temporary happiness....down to his graceful years of retiring and growing old...down to his own health....

my parents...they might not have an interesting love life such as yasmin ahmad's parents......but through what i've witnessed.....their love reaches the highest point ever since my mom got sick.....seeing the way he comforts her...the way he runs his fingers through mom's balding head as though he enjoys touching it so much....he would hug her whenever she's having difficulties to sleep....he watches every soap operas that my mom follows although he used to hate and criticize them so much..just to accompany her....if my mom have the sudden urges to eat something she craved for...he'd rush out to get them instantly....even when he knows...she'll only eat a few pinches and ends up vomitting it all out ..he even fell down the drain the other day...while he was looking for nasi beriyani for my mom....returned home with a bruise on his cheek...ouh that old man....if you could only see his aged face ...with the bruises...and imagining how he fell down......i just cried...

...it's ironic that even during their sick times...they are indirectly teaching me to be strong...i guess as a parent..they will never retire ...i can handle many kinds of people...but when it comes to sick people...especially the ones i love...i just have to admit that i'm not brave enough....it scares me so much of the thought of losing them......you know you're not in control of the situation......i have not much to offer .....only something in return of what you have given me for years...your love.