it's been weeks since i last blog...

sometimes i just feel like i came to a point where i couldn't write anymore....
even when there's so many things to blurt and ramble about...
how convince are you that i write everything that occurs in my life in this decent whites of window?...why am i asking questions at this screen like anybody would answer?....

yes it is partly about my mom's sickness....and itsy bits about my family....
and my music experiences...everything that over seemingly to be perfect on the outside..or at least has a nice ending to start with.....but is it really smooth and perfect as it is written?....
a friend once told me..."becareful what you write in the blog"..."take note on whom you want your blog to be read by"....makes me somewhat composed in writing.....i take hours or days to figure out wether the content is to be made public or not.....i know that i have all the rights to filter my lifestories to be set on private....or indeed make it a headline....but i am somehow...egoistic enough to tell the world that i drool at life lessons sometimes...failed at relationships which i tried to hang on so much.....sometimes feel invincible among my loved once....that i almost hate what i'm studying...but still hiding behind the so-called-glamourous name of engineering degree.....that i feel down everytime i gain some weight......that i have so much love to give...but still couldn't find the right person to shower it to....that i'm in love with a man of words....who once in a bluebright moon text me in the mids of nights....and heads off to some other county the very next morning....and patiently waiting for his next appearance....
how sad and lonely this life is sometimes....

so good i am at hiding my truest condition that my classmates doesn't even notice that i'm sick..physically sick...i've been struggling from viral infection for almost 3 weeks now....i'm not quite sure that i wanted to be healed....i was so reluctant to see a doctor...up to the end of second week...rarely have the time to consult to a doctor...and broke..even to get myself some medicine...

sounds of good songs are almost decaying...food doesn't taste so good anymore....the weather's no longer arousing...tv shows are just seemingly blank frames.....home is just a place to rest physicals rather than mentals.....displays of affection seems like glimpse of dream.......first morning wake becomes another 12 hours of daily burden.....

a sigh..becomes just another sigh.....

Ku tanya diri
sempurnakah aku ini
hanya menuding jari
ke atas parut di kulit putih
sepasang cahaya mata
memandang ku dari bawah...
seluas kuasa...mengecamku dari atas...

apa yang indah hanya
pekertinya, lembut bicaranya
bebas dari hasadnya, dan marahnya
tinggal lar putih

apa yang sempurna
sentuhannya yang terus ke jiwa..
kan ku beri peluang
untuk kau bernafas lega...
dan tinggal lar cinta

Chemotherapy resulted baldness to mama....

It's hard accepting views of her without a string of hair at first...
it's harder to imagine her feeling of her losing her natural "crown" she's grown adapted with for ages...
she looks so cute though....when she thinks you're not watching, u can see her running her fingers trough her bald head ....
couldn't decipher what she was thinking doing that...

i've been longing to take pictures of her....but i was afraid it might offend her subtle emotion...
but all i wanted to do was to keep a prove of what she had gone through.....that someday when she grew back all her hair....i'd show her the pictures and say...
"this is the worst condition of you that you have surpassed"...
i have not yet managed to do this...

her hair is growing back day by day...with very little growing hair...it's amazing how she gently cares for them...shampoos them everyday....i guess she must have missed having her thick hair to care for...or perhaps, back then when she couldn't be bothered to even comb her hair due to her busy life and work schedules and now she finally cherish the gift of god of having hairs....it's normal for a human to greatly miss something they lose and appreciate them if they possess it back...

my dad, her loving husband...according to mom....gently massages her head every morning...he said "once you grow back your hair...i won't be able to do this anymore".....sometimes i over heard them outside...when my dad teases my mom ....chanting some monk prayers....followed by my mom's annoyed reaction....
sometimes my mom forgot about her condition, that she went outside the house without wearing any head cover greeting my dad back from work.... and saw our neighbour coming out of the house...she panicked and try to hide in dad's car...when our neighbour passes by the car, they waved at her ...and she went like "damn! i was spotted!".....and once a plumber came to the house to do some plumbing , was surprised to see her ...she covered up by saying ..."saya sakit la"....the guy turned to a guilty face and said ..."takpe takpe"....once she grabbed a comb and mirror and started brushing her head...while my dad was looking from afar...and cutely laughed at her....my little cousin came to the house and say "fuyo...rambut angah macam mawi la"...and she laughed at herself...

It's so SO good to see her smiling again...Alhamdulillah she's getting better...she'll start working somewhere around next week.....

Botak is beautiful...it makes my mom a stronger woman....

I copied this from my ex-roomate from matriculation....damn i had a good laugh!...
We used to have this habit of writing down any words from our roommates, wrongly pronounced on to our room wall....Still can't believe Nia has this in her posession...


8/10/2001 - versi pelat
fe'ringghi - Latip
tola'k - Lina
tuuruut - Ruhil
atum - Lina
Lena (lina) -Umi

9/10/2001
acapkali (selalu)
--> acap-acap - Ruhil
sihnun (situ, sini) -Lina
HEINYO (hello) -Latip
ayak (ayat) -Ruhil
shomel (comel) -Ruhil
kerilu (keliru) -Lina

10/10/2001
marrrjerin (marjerin) -Umi
menitis (versi pelat) -Latip
mekanismi (mekanisme) - Hizza
manne (mana) - Umi
Lela majne (laila majnun) -Lina
klolo (kloro) -Hizza
menyelat (menyelit) - Lina

11/10
palung (payung) -Lina
menguruk (mengurut) -Ruhil
ting (tin) - Ruhil
sengek (senget) - Ruhil
sasol (versi pelat) - Naf - 2 kali (24/10)
pacang (pasang) -Ruhil

24/10
kejung (kejang) -Lina
barruz (kapur barus) -Ruhil
sallah (ala-ala sengau) - Latip
gari (garu) - Naf
pantarawan (perantauan) - Naf - 26/11
masyuk (masuk) - Lina - 29/11
albaphatical (alphabetical) - Naf - ntah bile

29/10
lolipoap (lolipop) - Latip
jaling (jeling) -Ruhil
tom yom (tom yam) - Hizza

30/10
balu (baru) - mimie
baby-que (barbecue) - Lina

1/11
unik (unit) - Ruhil
for fye (4 wives) - Lina
tak baik tann? (tak baik kan?) -Hizza

2/11
lambab (lambat + lembap) - Ruhil
mampuosh (mampus) - Ruhil
rotang (rotan) - Ruhil lagi
sultang (sultan) - lagi-lagi Ruhil
kotong - Nia (kosong)
jajar (ajar) - Ruhil
gerapu (garfu) -Naf
manjakini (manjakani) - Naf
sketska (sketsa) - Naf lagi
koci (kuaci) - Lina
ciku (kuaci) -Latip

5/11
teh krisentum (teh krisantinum) -Lina
terburru (terbaru) - Lina
bengsel (bengkel) - Hizza
kanggar (kangar) - Lina
langku (lampu) - Hizza
feform (perform) - Hizza
jerbah (jubah) - Hizza
kuci (kuaci) - Lina
ketik kuku (ketip kuku) - Latip
dekap (dekat) -Lina
sipir (sifir) - Ruhil

13/11
berleger (berlaga) -Fuzz
merembas (merembes) -Nia

14/11
rahil (ruhil) - Fuzz

15/11
kecipung (ketipung) - Hizza

19/11
ding ding (dinding) - Umi
koteow goleng (k.goreng) - Naf
cecuh (cecah) - Lina
maijer (major) - Lina lagi..

20/11
ledah (lidah) - Ruhil pulak'
sangsong (songsang) - Lina lagi haha!
tekong (telekung) - Umi

21/11
singapahre (singapura) - Lina

22/11
sampur (campur) - Latip
lar-rey (lagi) - Naf
cakut (takut) - Lena
foint (point) - umi
sakarang (sekarang) - Faz
kerinteeng (kerinting) - Latip
kalaufun (walaupun) - Lina
tak raye (kad raye) - Ruhil
lurus - loros- Faz
fantang - pantang - (LENA)
thaila - thailand - Latip
klawat- kawad- LENA

1/1/2002 (azam tahun baru)
sukalera (sukarela) - Fuzz
rurus (lurus) - Hizza
terruk (teruk) - Hizza
bolang (borang) -faz
bitu (biru) - Fuzz
spet (spek) - UMI (amy Syazana)
satip (latip) - Fuzz
riveshen (revision) - Ruhil amal ibadat
lalaki (lelaki)- Faz
terkakawal - (terkawal) - Stat
rasher (rasa) - Stat
iyolah (agaknya) - Lina
gugul (gugur) - leenaa
tangang (tangan ) - amal ibadat
tapper (tapi) - sepet
asha (asar) - Hizza
kuring (kering) -sepet
bonos (bonus) - LinaH
latap (latip) - Faz
ablem (album) - Umi
tak'de (versi pelat)
--> dah pelat, sape lagi Fazlah
ramus (rumus) - sepet
galis (garis) - Faz gak
pamalar (pemalar) - ishk, Faz lagi
sayat (hayat) - Faz
milogram (miligram) - Faz pelat
jie (die) - sepet
kemmeja (kemeja) - lina statik
kortas (kertas) - Ruhil
jijja (hizza) - Umi gomok
pil chekot tekot (pil sakit perut tu lah) - Faz

Boy we had a great time during those years...less problems...care free....full of laughters...I miss you guys so much

I pierced my nose....
it's painful, i like it, i'm happy, i'm satisfied
someone hates it

I cut my hair short...highlight it red...
I love it, it looks okay on me, I'm satisfied
someone nags about it

I gain a lil weight,
I'm not too happy about it, I'm not satisfied
someone likes it

You are About
You are about freedom, independence and the right to follow where your heart and gut-instincts lead you in life. You are an inquisitive soul with many questions that can only be answered through travel, exploration and experiencing a variety of life situations. For this reason you are likely to relocate to various cities or countries during your life and also entertain a number of life partners as opposed to just one soul mate.You are best suited to freelance work or being your own boss as stuffy offices and rigid routines are deadly to your imagination and soul. You are a great lover of human nature as well as one of it's greatest observers, which is why you would make a good archaeologist, historian, writer, journalist, reporter or artist. You are great at dealing with people and also do well in any "front line" occupation. For instance many crisis workers, emergency care workers and leaders of self- groups are fives. You need a job that allows you to meet a lot of people as well as brings you a variety of interesting experiences. You also have quite a spiritual bent to your personality that may send you on many personal vision quests. It is not unusual for a 5 to also belong to many different religions during his or her life or suddenly in mid-life to drop everything in pursuit of a life-style that is the complete opposite of the former one. One of your challenges is learning how to not waste time. Your perception of time is somewhat distorted which is why you are often late to meetings or sometimes unable to meet deadlines. Novelties and new ideas also easily distract you so sometimes it is difficult for you to choose a career or lifestyle and stick with it. As a result, others may also find you indecisive and frustrating to deal with. Another challenge that you face on your life path is being overly irresponsible. Many 5's have a habit of taking off when the going gets rough. You tend be quite casual about your relationships and have a great deal of trouble managing any type of emotional crisis. You may even experience panic at the idea of commitment, as you don't like the idea of being responsible to another person. For this reason, many of you have a number of serial relationships rather than just one life long love. If you are unable to physically escape circumstances that you can't emotionally handle or don't like, you are also prone to escaping through substance abuse. This is part of the unpleasant self-indulgent trait that is part of many number 5 personalities. Finding one focus and sticking with it is definitely your biggest life challenge. Most 5's are multitalented but they never stay in one place long enough for one of their projects to grow and blossom. Seeing things through to completion is the best way to make sure that you don't suffer poverty or bitterness in your later years. One of your greatest talents is the ability to communicate, either verbally or through the written word. Your expansive observations of life plus your ability to see all points of view makes you an excellent teacher. Most 5's end up teaching at one point in their life so others can benefit from the rich tapestry of their life experience. You are also a daring spirit that has a love of adventure. You are usually very physically fit and enjoy good health for your entire life if you stay away from overindulging in drink and food.

Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities
The optimum result of your life expression is the accumulation of wealth. Just because you are materialistic does not mean you are not spiritual, however. Many number eights believe that the wealth that they create in their lives is an expression of their soul's ability to circulate good energy in their life. You are all about the exchange of energy and it is individuals like you that keep life in motion on earth. You have the ability to build relationships and social structures as well as connect significant individuals with each other. You are also a mover and a shaker that knows how to create opportunity in the midst of chaos. Nothing stops your will to get what you want and very few of you experience real failure. This is because your deep capacity for analysis and natural foresight often prevent you from making mistakes in the first place. You may be materialistic but you are not greedy. You are more than willing to share your wealth with those you love and often your motivation for getting rich is to give them the best future possible. You are also a fantastic boss and leader. Your natural knack for inspiring and motivating others will probably change many lives for the better during your time here on earth. In fact, seeing others thriving as the result of your actions is one of your greatest personal rewards. You normally express yourself in a very polite, civil and courteous manner. If you feel an intense emotion like jealousy you don't tend to show it. You tend to hold your cards close to your chest to keep others in suspense as to what your next move might be. Your unpredictability often gives you the upper hand in business but it often frustrates loved ones who sometimes feel you do not communicate with them enough. In general though you make an excellent spouse and parent. You are responsible, affectionate and wise. Your honesty and trustworthiness often makes you a pillar in your community. One often finds the typical number eight participating on boards and in organizations that serve or shape the future of a community. Your advice is always appreciated and you excel at giving constructive criticism. For this reason you make an excellent teacher, builder, retailer or politician. Romantically you believe that your lover deserves only the best. Part of the expression of your devotion often includes lavishing your loved ones with gifts and luxuries. You love grand sweeping gestures such as sweeping your spouse away for a romantic weekend or surprising them with a large present. You have good, but expensive tastes in cars, furnishings and clothing. You are very well groomed and would not think of leaving the house for two seconds wearing a housecoat. You also often judge others by whether or not they are impeccably groomed as well. You can be quite stern with children and teenagers who are messy or don't keep their lives in order. This is one matter that can trigger the stern disciplinarian in you. As you are very ambitious and goal oriented, sometimes it is hard to fit loved ones and family into your busy schedule. Number eights also excel at sports and can be found relaxing on golf courses or horseback riding on weekends. One of the challenges of your lucky number is to make sure that family and friends are also included in your exciting plans.


What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life
You are one of the most spiritual complex and misunderstood numbers. Your ability to create wealth often fills your life with difficult relationships. Others may try to take advantage of you or try to make you feel guilty for your success. You are probably used to being described as greedy or shallow but usually the opposite is true. Often your devotion to keeping the free exchange of money flowing costs you dearly personally either through overwork or thanklessness from others. In essence your number is about exchange - the exchange of things for profit. Although you are materially oriented you are not spiritually bereft. In fact, one of your most sophisticated spiritual qualities is your belief that all should wealthy and that all should benefit from your endeavors. The highest expression of your soul urge number is when you are at the top of the food chain and dispensing goodies down to those who work for you or love you. You are very trustworthy individual who is entrusted often with the task of caring completely for other people's livelihoods. This is a huge responsibility and many simply don't understand the challenge. You are blessed with the tools that come in hand with being a great leader - foresight, analytical abilities and a great understanding of human nature. Your ability to sell ice to an Eskimo comes from a truly grounded and practical understanding of the wants and needs of humans. You are very astute when it comes to choosing partners and employees. You always assign people to roles that best suit their talents and resources and so that all benefit from your grand plans. Usually it is an eight that facilitates the building of a church, day care center or opera house. Art and the theater truly do appeal to your brilliant mind. Many of you are excellent when it comes to choosing talent and putting it to work in your organization. You may also privately support an artist that you believe is adding beauty, meaning and order to the world. Another soul energy that drives you is your need to demonstrate the circulation of love and prosperity in your life. If you are not making money, it seems to you like you are not being favored by the Gods or that you are on the wrong path. Like feng shui masters, you see the circulation of wealth in your life as evidence that love is blossoming in your life as well. This is because you are as equally concerned with attaining spiritual riches as you are material riches. Many of you are natural born feng shui masters and have innate understanding of the use of space. For you beauty is a matter of form following function, so if it is useful it is beautiful to you. This is why many eights end up funding the design of grand buildings or malls or creating large corporations or organizations. In Biblical terms, you are the one who knows how to divide up a single fish to feed thousands. You are also an extraordinarily kind person and one of your challenges may be about deciding who is a good risk to lend money to or not. For this reason, you can always expect some losses in your life due to the lending of money. If you are stolen from, your highest spiritual calling is to forgive the debt and realize that others simply don't have the same natural knack for creating wealth that you do.

As a kid i used to have an obsession over space science..namedly subjects on black hole...
a brief hypothesis of blackhole up to the level i last did my reviews; the blackhole contains of an extremely densed energy of pull, where you can imagine it as such; when a man's leg is nearer to the blackhole centre of pull, it'll suck the body so swiftly that the legs will first disintegrate before the other body parts....pheww.....however....this might not be true anymore....as the research of blackhole still remains a mystery up until today....

philosophically, in life, i refer blackholes to an empty space of the 'art' heart....ironic that when you have all the things to do, all the friends you can have, the love you can harvest, the money you can spend, you still feel empty at the end of the day.....all these years I'm still searching for the purpose of life other than surviving and desiring ....and like the black hole issue, it still remains a mystery....

Hemo-hemo...comes from a cartoon character which i've never seen before...
I've been reffered to that character recently because of it's name...Hemo = Emo(tional)....
i don't bother....when my nature of being a perfectionist is starting to kick off....i give criticisive comments...i observe thoroughly on people's mistake and tell them(which i usually ignore to avoid confrontations).... some resources suggested that i shouldn't do so....the feedback?....i'm now the emotional monster who needs the same emotional feedback from others to neutralize....
for a simple mistake...there comes a pang compensation of losing respect and trust....

Talking about perfection....i don't understand why the word was created afterall where in real, perfection doesn't even exist....It gets rather disturbing that people around me throughout this whole month are expecting me to be perfect....be a perfect gamelan performer, be a perfect student, be a perfect leader, be a perfect daughter, be a perfect friend, be a perfect teacher, a perfect sister, a perfect housemate, a perfect tenant, a perfect apprentice, perfect human.....I don't wanna be perfect....I can NEVER be perfect...so can't you......asked to be perfect is also an obligation...which indirectly doubles up the responsibilities that i'm currently taking care of....

I do too much....but i never once thought i'm perfect in any......my perfectionist characteristics are some kind of sparks that ignites me to have the ability to do that something..i must do i-i can do it....not a flame that burns the house down...not the candle even....I'M NOT PERFECT in everything i do....if that's any consolation for those who thinks i am or think i want to be....it's so freaking easy for me to admit this .... then why is it so hard for you?

Have you ever felt like you possess something or some feeling..and own it forever ?...but then one day....all the so-called "paraphernalia" of yours diminish gradually....you might not sense this coming abruptly;notice a little difference ...but the tendency to question ? "nah...it's not happening..you're being over-sensitive"...says the little voice of your heart.....and your eyes glance it, and slips away to look at the beautiful scenery around with the hope that it would change your thoughts of your predefined-assumptions...

I am pretty familiar with the "come-and-go" situation....but first apparent experience did not come pretty when i felt like it was physically affecting my breathing when i lost something or perhaps...someone.....series of unfortunate "come and go" still happens after the first incident...
i know the feeling of seeing something everyday...and see less of them the following day...and less...and less....and completely lose my sight of them ...and when this happens...you blame yourself for not seeing it coming....this is where you are wrong....it was infront of you when you shy away to accept the truth.....so being denial is as easy as 'being yourself' during that time....:)

So...how do i reconcile this?...I fore "go" before they "go".....i see something everyday...i see less of them the next day.....then they'll see less of me the following day....and they won't see me hanging around like cats at mamak stall at all from that day onwards.....inhuman?...let me correct that brothers and sisters....it's human enough that it frustrates me when i almost had something or someone...taking them in into my life with all my heart's sincere....and finally they decide that they should leave with no explanation....you tell me which and which is inhuman...

i am by far profoundly defensive over my own feelings that i'm misunderstood for being bold and numb....well at least this my own remedy that keeps me going without in the end blaming myself or anyone for their pre-existence and disappearance