ahhh i hate waking up feeling like this.....

i hate it..i just hate it...
i've been ignoring things ...being pretentious again...
why am i striving so hard to live like a man...
(not literally...but emotionally...emotionally?..or ...is it to my definition of living like a man means less emotions..or heartless)
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to prepare myself from anything that is heart-breaking in life (series of unfortunates)
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humor me...

ego...

macho sangat ke aku ni?....

what's wrong with having a heart?

huh...why is the feeling so heavy?...why today?..why not immediately after things occur?..why not never?....

2 years of being macho doesn't pay off well anymore....

"independent from relationship" konon...why the fuck did i say that?

i've been used before..but never in life i felt like being used in a two-way manner...

mistakes ..mistakes....what happens after mistakes?......this..
and a lot of other complications....

it's just so hard for me to trust anyone....so hard...

it feels like you're falling off the cliff,

one hand clinging to the rocks....another one to someone who reaches out a hand...telling you let go of the hands on the rock and reach his other hand..so that he can pull you up....

you feel insecure...afraid...but you stared at his convincing eye...you reach his hand...and as soon as you do....

the person just let go of both hands.......

and let you fall off the cliff slowly.....not swiftly....

that's just how hard it is...to reach both hands to others....



i'm just looking forward for december....the rest can just ease by time...

1.It'll bring a lot of hope to many people..if there's not many...at least there's two people who are happy about it (.. :) )

2.It's the end of year..which means a new year resolution will come...or the carry forward of what haven't been fulfilled this year...

3.Mazzy Star sings to us "flowers of December"

4.Surprises of the longed awaited possibilities

5.It's a load of time for "feel-good" ....

6.A list of things to look forward to :

a. shows and more shows...
b. money and more money..
c. more money in the fund for the trip to australia
d. save and save the money for perhentian trip with coursemates...
e. if there's more money..i can even join a trip to korea...
f. and if there's a little bit more...i'll be joining rini to cameron...
g. freescale sdn. bhd. to send me my scholarship cheque ...again..money...
h. probably get myself a new handphone...or i'll just quit on using handphones..
i. money and traveling

7.plenty of time to spend at the gym.

8.plenty of time to blog

9.Joining the art performance group "artis penjuru alam"..doing theatrical, poetical, gamelan music activities

10.Progressing on thesis without any other obligations to think of

i'm one of the luckiest person to have a lot of things to do other than whining about how lonely this life is...

be at peace with yourself..

arghh help....i'm starting to binge eating again....
15 sticks of satay for buka....recalling throughout my whole life..i don't think i've ever eaten more than 10 sticks...(10 is the stage where i feel like i can't breath and my stomach feels literally bloating)

and nasi goreng ayam for sahur..makan habis...(my housemate claims that she feels full seeing me eating like that)...

i hate whining about exams...but this is the time where i actually feel tempted for grumpiness..actually feel tempted to watch horror movies...temptations on food...temptations on watching series....

here's the explanation on how it relieves you from the stress..(from my account):

eating : i think it starts with the habit of munching while you're studying..music used to work on this.....but nowadays...satisfying the taste buds seems to conquer you more than the listening pleasure...

horror flicks : the feeling of fear or shock element seems to beat the fear of the doom of exams....it makes you think less about the horror of the possibilities of killer questions....

drama series : you can't stop watching...it makes you forget time..it makes you daydream of a perfect and satisfying life...it makes you think that you're the actress in the movie....it makes you a fool..but you just tend to succumb to it...

yes of course i'm gaining kilos...i'm not the skinny high-metabolism woman who's just lucky to be type.....(but i know where they hide all the fats...hehehe).....
cepat la habis raya.....i miss fitness first ...i miss nicholas my steps aerobic instructor and all the gym crowd who still cares about looking well...

i've been receiving rare mails in myspace questioning about the list of "Hate" and "Admire"...in the "about me" column

stressing on the hate-list:

"hater of:contradiction....silence...hypocritism...lonesome ...indifference....paranoia...exxageration..."kiasu"-ism.. ..violence...rasicism....rapism.. sexism...freaky rules of the so-called human rights(" i jason...take you matthew... as my beloved ...husband?..wife?..fag spouse?).......too much of the "i beg to differ" attitude ...practice of the so-called values you uphold-when you really have none.... when emotion rules-run abreast the ability to think...drama queen/king...unrealist....atheist... negativity-against-whatever-crosses-your mind attitude..boredom...come-follow-me-because-i'm-cool attittude...i'll-follow-you-because-you're-cool attitude..dizzy.... selfishness(you stink like fishes)...denial...iemanayu.......haters"

i don't personally hate these matters of subject nor the person who upholds the mentioned reputation....

it's about normal to object indecent human behaviour such as violence, rasicism...kerek..kekwat... whatever you call it...but when it comes to believes or ideology that contradicts to what we have been instilled in our minds since we were toddlers...such as being an atheist..or being gay...is just something your mind doesn't simply approves......

i don't hate them as a person who breathes the same air through the same lungs ...and have over the years befriended them and have no problems getting along...but it just doensn't mean i can be comfortable that they are different...or think differently....like an atheist doesn't fast like we muslims do...(even so people who still proclaim they're muslims doesn't fast these days)....and gays giggling whenever they see a hot man passes by.....but i expect them to respect the people who do by their "knowledge" on people who still have religion or uphold the lifestyle within the norm...

i hereby stress that i'm not a hater...read the last of my list...I'm a hater of HATERS

No i'm not speaking of any character in "Mortal COmbat"
I'm speaking of an aged, woman, fighting breast cancer throughout her remaining life..
our Malaysian First Lady, Datin Seri Endon Mahmood.
She passed away this morning at 7.50 am...after surviving 18 days from her last treatment cancer in Los Angeles.

I quote from the previous local newspaper "Datin Seri has just gone through her treatment in LA and she's getting better and happier after coming back from the treament"...
It's all in God's hand ....Al-fatihah to her , may she rest in peace.

After reading the news...I can't stop thinking about mama ( also a cancer treatment survivor ).
I'm sad to learn the decease of Datin Seri, at the same time i'm strucked with fear...
all the mixed feelings...certainly not a good morning to start with...
i'm already thinking about how she would handle the news...emotionally....
will it affect her strength ?....or it will it shatter in debris with the little crack of fear..
i wish i could be at home right now...turn the TV off when it's the news prime time ..or just hide all the newspaper...preventing her from knowing...
but then again ...she's at the office...probably door knocked by her staff...telling her the sad news..acting like it's just another gossip to spread....

It's getting harder to breath in here...
i might just pack my bags and head home tonight...

my roommate told me , someone read my blog and said i'm too complicated, that i make a big fuss out of small things....well hell yeah...and i'm sure glad i am...

i don't simply go the market, and grab some apple, put it in the bag, pay it off, and just go home finding out that within those apples, there are some few rotten apples and almost take a big bite on a fruit worm...

i'd usually go through a maximum amount of apples to select, and look thoroughly one by one, making sure that it's red enough, shiny enough, the fruit texture is just lean like those wallpaper photos of tempting red apples, yes true that although it looks nice on the outside, it doesn't mean that it's a perfect apple....well at least i won't whine as much as i do for not doing the selection in the first place, i live in a peaceful manner not living in bigger regrets....

i don't know why it bothers him much that i complicate things that way...as far as i'm concern, i only complicate on my writings...never really portray that proclaimed image outside ...and this blog is like the thinking cap of miss random hearts of Nina : on way i perceive things ....it's not like i go and give a good nagging at the person who sells the apple..saying that he sells bad apples..making him feel all guilty...bak kata orang melayu..(tak sampai menyusahkan orang lain!)

see what i'm doing right now?...it's an apple story for god's sake..it's suppose to make the SIMPLE people understand what i'm trying to project...in the end...i just complicate the poor apple story....

i've been stucked with the same pattern of routine for days now, switching between books and notebook, listening to the same songs on repeat mode, cooking for buka, sahur with my hommies, having kopitiam sessions in the late mornings, sleeps after subuh, wake up at noon, and hence the cycle again...
keeping all matters of heart aside, or if i'm at the wrong, matters of heart becomes top of the hots as it always has during exams...
i've refrained myself from blogging, knowing that i'd spend an evening writing long ramblings, that i could've spend the time blogging doing something i should be doing, studying. Yes i did my fair time studying, but in between break, i can't help getting myself to read "rich dad, poor dad", only to embark the feeling of education alone is not enough towards a picture of a comfortable life ahead. Lucky i like the subject i'm studying, control system design, which actually reflects on the true art of engineering; "designing"....it's not a boring major after all....
sometimes when i'm bored flipping books, i get my virtual ass on IRC just for the sake of pissing people off and laughing mad at the responds i get, yeah...it's not so 'nice' to do that..but then again...who ever said i was nice?.....

Solat Hajat + berbuka Puasa
around 30 People..
Gamelan Club



The Preparation





The Crowd




The Process






The Outcome

My nose piercing.....
It's just so hard to maintain!...
Damn it!

MORBID

The Reasons of Why I Do the Things I Do...Unpredictably & Predictably

On Being Buzy

I'm a normal human being
I'm keeping myself busy cause i can't stay unoccupied for long as i will go crazy doing nothing
I'm a regular student who's trying to catch up with her studies
I'm a net addict who browses around for information and sometimes ignore chats...
I'm usually glued to the computer settling my assignments and thesis
I'm a leader of certain Club and Organization which i need to attend to as part of my obligation
I'm a daughter who cares for her family and rather spend her weekend at home..with them
I'm a friend who has best friends who needs best friends at their gloomy moments...
I'm a social person who neutralize my lonely days with fun and friends..
I'm a person who sometimes need my own peace of time
I'm splitting my time in a day for all these...so if you think that i'm making excuses...think again.

On Sudden Mood Swing

i get tired of keeping up to my hectic life....
i get tired of listening to what other people perceive of me...
i get tired of people telling me what to do...
i get tired of people disrespecting me
i get tired of listening to the same thing again and again...
i get tired of people trying to take advantage on me..
i get tired of being lonely...
i get tired of being around people....
i get tired of money issues.....
i get tired of assignment and thesis burden...
i get tired of always trying and never getting any return
i get tired of myself for no reason...

On Love Wise

I don't have time for a relationship....
even if i do...i need a man to love and to be loved...not a boy to babysit....and tell them what and what not to do all the time...
i define a man as a person who knows how to make decisions...who will not give me a hard time all the time...who i can't reason why i love them ...i just do....who have their own dreams..and be supportive towards mine....
call me a bitch for maybe i am....i don't care.....

I'm not choosy..most people think i am...
i just don't go accepting anybody who comes along the way just to fill in the blank....
and later decide that things just couldn't work...and move on the next...
i spare you from wasting your time as well as mine.....
i'm defensive over matters of feelings when it comes to love matters...
i'm don't wanna hurt or be hurt...
I usually open up the door of chance to everyone..but silently decide wether it's a Go or No-Go
A No-Go would usually end up as a normal friend that i cherish so much and none other..so i'll get annoyed if they tend to go overboard...
A Go so far has not been in my list of luck.....it's either they're someone elses fiance, or bf, or husband..with the lame reason that ( i discover you late)....or too far to be reach at moments of need...or typically they're not into me..hahahaha..hands off of people's property.....
so am i really that choosy?..or the choice is just never mine?

On Procrastinating

This usually comes out as a rebound to stress and too much of burden....
It's easier thinking about food rather than datelines...it's easier to waste time on the internet learning web designing which is not at all related to what i major rather than working on programming as assignments....
i watch movies during exams....i skip classes to finish up assignments which is due on that day.....i go back home when i'm fed up with everything
it's a bliss to just run away ...but sadly i know by hook or by crook...i can't...

On Being Angry/Emotional eruptive

i always remind myself to be positive and patient...
i'm aware that people get angry when things doesn't turn out to what they expected...
when i receive too much burden..it's just a time for a burst out..be it eruptive, or in terms of tears in laughters....or smashing paraphernalias..or just shutting off from people....or saying things i don't mean to....
i just realize that i can't store everything inside...it has to go somewhere...and if it's to any of you..i'm sorry....

I conclude

I sometimes need my space to do my wrongs ..... and the spurr of the moment..regret my doings...rethinking of the situation again....and recovering...and preach myself to corrections....just please do not shun away from me for my alienating behaviour...as i don't get to do it everyday...(not that i'm allowed to do it sometime)...people just don't understand me by seeing my laughters and hearing my jokes when i'm feeling all blue deep down inside...so sometimes when i show it off...they just think i'm acting weird

3 Summons...
2 parkings + 1 speeding......
RM 150 (after discount)
discounted at 50% or almost....
last day of reduced price....

i stayed up all night just to wake up early in the morning...my goal was to reach Balai Polis Shah Alam at 7.00 a.m atleast....i drool while watching naruto....i fell asleep...what's weird is i made a wake up call to someone to ensure he did not oversleep cause he had some work due this morning...and found myself accidentally fallen asleep...how embarassing....

so i went rushing to Shah Alam....with only RM156.00 in my purse....running out of gas...i had no choice but to stop by the nearest gas station...gambling with the RM5 to fill the tank...assuming it is just enough to atleast reach the station....i could not tolerate a few minutes drawing out money at the teller machine as i have a hunch that people will start queing at the gate......

i reached the police stationaround 8.15 in shock looking at the long queue ....parked my car 2 buildings across....and start queuing at the tail of the line...observing left and right...making sure who is infront and at the back of my queue...just incase i got lost in line....everyone seems to mind their own business...repeatedly looking at their wrist watch...probably thinking if they could still make it to the office .....patiently waiting .....and observing human behaviour...and secretly earing to conversations nearby....a man said..."from the gate...to the tent infront of the counter....it's gonna take us 2 hours..."...."there's only 2 counters open"...said another man...i fail to believe these babblings...i mean..what could possibly take them so long to handle one person who's trying to give them money.......

after an hour waiting...i was only a few feet away from where i was...i'm beginning to fill anxious...another hour later..."the counter is closing soon..due to the friday prayers"...overheard some statement which is starting to annoy me...hours passed and i realized the clock is showing 12 plus noon...i passed the gate...people are starting to behave weirdly...dehydration makes things worst...i have people calling on the phone asking me wether i have settled everything...i would rather if they don't call me...since i have to answer the same thing over an over again...nothing has changed from the last hours i was there..nothing is progressing except for the line...which is an extremely slow process...it would only make a difference if they could come over and send me some nice cold drinks or perhaps some food to fill my empty stomach....i see people having a small picnic around the area...eating nasi lemak on the floor...most..i think all of the men skipped friday prayers....i was so thirsty ..but i'm still considering the money i have left inside my purse...rm150 to pay the compound...another rm1 left..made my way to the canteen nearby...asking the Kakak how much would a glass of rose syrup cost.."80 cents"....i was relieved...slurping syrup like i've never tasted it before...

1.30pm....i finally reached the tent..there's a few chairs in line order...i get to sit down and relax a bit....still observing people....most of them are starting to become impatient...as i have expected..cutting queues....people yelling at those mofos...telling them to buzz off....i predicted this would happen....and i am still angry at the fact that there are people with the hearts of a stinky fish...selfish enough to just cut the queue...where hundreds of people have formed since 7-8 in the morning...most of us were standing there for hours..and we had nothing more to do than watching everyone's movements...basically everybody knew and seen the faces around them...so those assholes were just trying to squeeze in hoping that no one would notice...sure some of them got away..and some of them aren't lucky enough they got boo-ed by the whole crowd....there's this pakcik....nearby us...he was being friendly and all...conversing with everyone...went infront...kononnya...the reason is to see what's happening upfront since the queue paused for quite a moment...he came back saying..the system is offline....after some time..we noticed him queieng infront of us..and no one corrected this...but instead sarcastically mentioning the incident among themselves and laugh....

i'm glad that the people next to my left and right are the type who yacks alot...funny...and trying to make it a less stressful situation..had fun laughing with and talking to them...boo-ing those who trying to cut queueu....watching everyone's movement...readily to boo the fools....acting infront of the reporter's camera...speaking of that...we noticed a reporter from the star was trying to get a cover story...taking photos around the place...(he's hot!!!....one of the reason to smile on this hectic day :)..)...and i'm not mistaken that he shot one photo at my crowd...he was directly infront of me..erhmmm..since like i'll be buying The Star tommorow morning...one lady was trying to ask one of us who are sitting to pay her compound...she didn't get away with it ofcourse!...everyone gave her sharp short lecture...and she said "tolong la"...and they told her.."look infront..there's an old man with a cane..he queued with us since morning....we rather help people like that than to help people like you who can walk straight...who's just a lazy ass!"..so she kept quiete .....the indian uncle with the cane finally settled...the whole crowd cheered and clapped our hands

finally...at 4.30...i finished settling the compound....i went to the ATM...draw out some money..fill up the tank again...Mc Donald's serves the revenge of my hunger......i got home and serves the revenge of my sleep..which was disturbed by a few phone calls...i don't know whyi refuse to just shut it off as though i'm getting a phone call which could save the nation from sudden bombings!....

giler lar...penatnye.........and still i find some time to ramble...

this is by far a record...

i've been on the longest bus ride of 10 hours +

and the longest queue of 8 hours straight!