hehehe....is it them moving to fast...or us moving to slow?

attended A friend's wedding this morning.....waking up all excited about the moment....all conscious about looking glamourous...all excited about seeing old friends.....everything was reflecting on how we grew up together ....achieve and screw..how good it is to be in our well-brought community...stories on surviving tough relationships...taking pictures and looking fine .....

after the wedding we followed a friend to this FOOD-NOT-BOMBS campaign...where he and his activists friends cook and serve the homeless every sunday behind St. John church....we were having this heavy discussion about the homeless and NGO's , the radicals activities and so forth which persuaded us to see this other side of the world..plus we needed more time to spend with us good buddies that we weren't reluctant with the idea of going even so we were looking all well dressed (something in our hearts were afraid that we might offend the crowds there..)

it was indeed an eye opening experience..i went to indonesia recently and came back with a different sight of our own country...and so i went FNB and came back with the exact same feeling...it was not much on the activism activity that was taking effect...(the campaign was somesort of a silent protest to the government telling them that they should spend our money to serve the community such as issues of poverty rather than military subsidary)...but it touches our sense of humanity that we sometimes slipped our sights to...i'm in no position to speak of politics and the system as i don't think i have sufficient knowledge to do so....so i am in the between of "join them" and "beat them".....we are or indulge in living in the so-called FINE community...FINE dining ...FINE clothing....FINE lifestyle...that we forgot that some people barely have enough food to eat....jobless for years for not having anybody trusting them to work ....live under the bridge...not having enough nutrient in their junky food consumed...it just makes us realize that we are in the state where we should be thankful for what we have(we need to perform some reality check on our lives once in a while)....help them in the way we could...we are not..or not just yet millionaires to change lives...and barely have enough to change our own indeed...but nevertheless...a little help to the needy wouldn't shake whole stock market....as we were there....the crowd was telling my friend..."you did us a good deed by bringing those ladies...at least we have something to look at...and we don't feel like prisoners being fed"....Should we call that charity?... :).....

as for me...i'll continue living the giddy life...plus an extra message learned from the day...and will continue buying good brands concerning that i worked hard for it and deserves the luxury...but never turn sight from those other who deserves to live on the very least of basic needs....

I just found out that my brother got a new job with Intel penang...he was previously having struggles with his current job...it's not work related...it's just company politics, management , delay of salary, and what not...i'm glad that he's finally out of his duel with the company...but it also means that he'll be moving to penang after Raya ....i'll simply miss my week end laughing stock....hangin out at my parent's room and brutalizing their bed....and watching my sis inlaw playing games...and watch dvd's and end up being watched by the tv...however...i'm happy for him...I love you dear brother...

I Officially have an Internet Angel to BUZZ me on Yahoo messenger making sure that i don't waste my remaining time glued to the net....what i like most is his ways of reverse psychology to ensure this...it's pretty hard to explain...just rest the case...i wish i have more ways to thank you other than blogging..you know who you are...

A couple days of resisting temptations....
Question is..just how much can a person handle and keep telling oneself "NO"....
The amount of allure attacks are undeniably obvious to see that it's a kind of test sent from Above...
It's ironic when God is the one who sends us these sort of test and we pray to "the almighty" asking for strength to resist....
Perhaps there's a hidden Agenda, if i were to decipher ....
We have to keep believing in Him and that He's sending a message that the sole strength is within us ...so instead of asking for strength..we should should really pray "show us our own hidden strength"

A good practice before the coming up of ramadhan....

credit to NFXUS
image taken from DeviantArt.com

at last thesis crazy is over.....
i did my presentation last wednesday...
submitting my proposal today..

i'm starting to feel like there's a predicted pattern in life,
just a week ago everything doesn't seem to go right....
with the hassle with my computer speed, which is delaying me from getting outcome for my thesis material, money became an issue although i'm not poor or neither i am rich, self-esteem is...wait..what self-esteem?.....my best friend cut herself....my family slips eye on me...my closest friends doesn't remember my birthday(i know i'm too old for cakes and candies and cherry pie....but the feeling of not remembered hurts!huhuhuh)....

but alast...one good thing comes after another....my friends were playing a joke on me...they planned not to say anything the whole day (making me feel useless shit....i mean hey...you guys won! alright..)and finally surprised me with the presence of my best friends from subang....and together with my housemates we celebrated....got myself a friendly kiss from a charming dude (you know who you are)....it was sweet...i love you guys.......

the very next day....i presented my thesis material ...although i barely understand what i had done, i managed to pull out a firm and confident presentation..hehehe i think i might have some talent in acting...and making shit look like a convincing flower....(pandai menipu ooo)...hehe....

and mom called....wishing me "welcome to the world baby"...i miss them so much...i just drove home straight after class ....and have dinner with them....

the pattern i was describing is that after a series of hassle ....comes a package of solution where you didn't even spend a single bit time thinking of....so i was thinking....all this while, we spend so much time and energy thinking of how to solve the puzzle, i realize that not all questions are designed for answers....as hard as it is to accept this fact, it's harder to be tied up with a dozen of questions without getting any answer in the end....some people are patient, and some are not to wait for things to come around that is i feel the differences between people who are always depressed, searching for the unseemingly unanswered life-question, while some of them just move on....

i'll let this hang here....you can go on perpetuating the subject while i just want to rest mind

thanks to my dear friends who threw a wonderful get together....luv you guys

to :

Mariq haqmim

for the lovely handcrafted card...:)

I'ts a Little Shade of Grey

the man of mystery reappeared this morning....
i think he was calling from somewhere far....
it was a blissful cheery sunday morning ..as he put it...
indeed it was..:)

hearing the voice that i keep on missing...
and a promise that only us two share...
and laughters that he's dying to witness....

and again he says "i should go"
and i replied..."yeah you should"
him : "you want me to go?"
me : "i don't want you to go..but you should go"...
my heart : "i know you'll come back"
:)

patiently awaiting for flowers of december to come.....
tommorow's the day of the remembrance of my existence ....
and you are one of the reason to live life extended...
i received your gift..
thank you..
forever ....and a bummer

as i was lying on the bed trying to sleep----->trying to recover from the previous sleepless restless nights.

"She cut herself...but she's okay now"
i received an sms from my best friend last evening...
jumped off the bed in shock and called her up straight in shiver...

another best friend of mine...who's known to be the wisest and strongest among us... took the drastic action resulting from the heavy occurance of life crisis ...

with a package of mixed angry and sad feeling...i drove over to her place and on the way there i was gathering guts and courage to confront a situation that i've never encountered before....what should i say?...should i scream or burst out crying?..i'm not prepared for the truth that aggravates her emotional downturn and the kind of breach of peace that pulverize her long-built inner strength that she decided that not waking up for the world the next day suddenly became an option.

i walk into her room...sat next to her...letting her uninvitedly lie head on my lap...brushed my fingers through her beautiful long hair...and we talked....

i completely understand her frustrations...and that she's tired of trying...that sometimes she does not have a solution to her predicament..although she prayed hard for an answer...and that sometimes she does...but things or people arround her was not sculptured to cooperate and fit her composition of how the slopes and curves should be...all she wanted was being able to sleep at night even when she's extremely hurt...to have a normal phase of life..where she can still handle her pain in the heart and believe in time will heal....maybe you'd think she's a little bit impatient...but knowing her since my la-la land...watched her achieve and screw ...she have been very patient with handling her problems..always altering her ways to solve things...always learning to accept things in a very discretely positive manner that you can never think of....i highly respect her and her views and i'm proud that she's one of my best friend ...and i keep telling her that i envy her courage ...

she did it because all the strength that she had gathered this far was challenged.
she regretted her actions...when she remembered that she promised god that she will never take away god's property..which is her own body and soul...that it is only to god's will to decide how or when she dies...

i summarized to her....all this dilemma derrives solely from all her struggle to live..."then why should you end up dying in the end?"...a worthless act after all the years of hard work and hard trying and ends up in a dark, cold, pale grave like anybody would care...the life-after wouldn't even stop a nano-second to ponder her death....let alone the question of the afterlife...

she said i put it beautifully....

i left her home with some clarity in my mind that i will still see her alive until the time where god says her time is up...

Kurasakan pudar dalam hatiku
Rasa cinta yang ada untuk dirimu
Ku lelah dengan semua yang ada
Ingin ku lepas semua
Setan dalam hati ikut bicara
Bagaimana kalau ku selingkuh saja
Ku punya banyak teman lelaki
Sepertinya ku kan bahagia

Reff: Mestinya kau cari pengganti diriku saja
Karna kita sudah tak saling bicara
Pastikan cerita tentang kita yang tlah lalu
Hanya ada dalam ingatan hatimu

(Maafkan aku jika kau kecwa
Duniamu bukanlah untuk diriku
Jika memang semua kan jadi cerita
Ku tau kau semakin terluka)...*the missing part from the singing....

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along
with the crowd and start realizing that there are
many things about
yourself that you didn't know and may not like.
You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get
scared because you barely know where you are
now.



You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe,
those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people
you have lost
touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize
is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really
cold, catty, mean or
insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you
would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job
and realizing that
you are going to have to start at the bottom and
that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what
others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because
suddenly you realize
that you have certain boundaries in your life and
are constantly adding
things to your list of what is acceptable and what
isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next,
secure. You laugh
and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel
alone and scared
and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and
you try and cling on
to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the
past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you
are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how
someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and
wonder why you can't meet
anyone decent enough that you want to get to
know better. Or maybe you
love someone but love someone else too and
cannot figure out why you
are doing this because you know that you aren't a
bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to
look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to
look pathetic. You go
through
the same emotions and questions over and over,
and talk with your
friends about the same topics because you cannot
seem to make a
decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and
making a life for
yourself... ..and while winning the race would be
great, right
now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading
this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times,
trying as hard
as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Back


remark: think about it...
as for me it's partially true...it's happening in my life...
come to think about it...i am in the quarter-life age...
i previously thought i've grown wiser...
*sigh*

it's 7.30 am.....
as i promised myself last night to get up 'early' today to get my work done....
so here i am confronting my newly bought notebook again after my morning prayers...
the seemingly ouh-so-fine technology is not much of help with all the heavily burdened programmes that has been installed previously....once again i feel like throwing this integrated-piece-parts out the window of this condo down the 8th floor below!....

things have been running swiftly these days, before i realize, workloads is piling up...first assignment i have not yet started..comes another task...which leads me to another day of headache... i literally feel like and object in a video clip, where i'm standing straight, and things around me are fast-forwarding with pretty colours..and reflection of lights *blink blink*....

i read my housemates blog last night....one uploaded a song by muse.."unintended".. melancholy melodically and lyrically conveyed ..i'm not sure if that's how her emotions are running these days....for someone who has recently found her new love....;p...

another one throwing word tantrums and some expression of anger cum dissapointment ...so touched by her distorted emotions.....and that no one could actually notice it going on under their nose....or maybe she's just like me...so good at making themselves unreadable and non-transparent...but have patience my dear friend...if you can still fake your smile...it means you are still on it...striving hard to survive emotional rapport and getting stronger along the way....good things will come...

my ex-bf miss called me on my cellphone....hasn't changed a bit from where i last left him...or he left me?...almost 2 years ago...still depending on his few cents of credit to leave a remark on my phone so that i would call him back...i have no cents left in my credit...i promised myself not to reload until next week...not wanting to entertain any unwanted calls/sms ...guess i have made the right decision...maybe i would return his call/sms if i have some credits left?.....maybe that applies before...right now i'm just too busy to bother....funny that i dreamt about him the night before...

friends are getting married...or married....my best friend in primary school is going to tie the knot next weekend...with her long time lover....i remember in primary school...standard 5...i was among the first to know that she had a crush on the guy(her husband to be)...and they got together in secondary school(form 2).....and this is how they ended up...:)..bless you....wish you happiness in your longer journey...can't imagine her having only one love in her life ...and that one love happens to be her soulmate....i know others who had 9 relationships...and still searching....however it is...i'm happy for you diana....

ouh here i am again...blogging while i'm complaining(in the blog) that i have piles of work to do......i'm beginning to believe that i'm a master of procrastination....i think i'm more productive when doing things at the very last minute hehe....

till then

title self-explained.....
it's been a while since i felt this way......
waking up at almost noon....lazing around.....
everything smells as fresh as lime....
everything is as soft as flower petals....
could it be the scents of the aroma bath i took the previous day

suddenly matters is no longer a predicament....
burden is as light as feather....
awaitness feels like i could wait a decade longer...

i had a dream about my ex-boyfriend last night...
a conversation between him and his ex before me...
it was sweet and subtle ....
they reconciled
perhaps it's a good news if it was real....

there's a funfair going on....
i want to go..
i want to be on rides that takes me to wonderland
spin and spin until i puke my viral infection out
i used to go to a funfair in 4 days in a row....and won a huge stich stuffed doll on a bingo game
i wish i could stay forever a carnie

damn this feeling makes me procrastinating....
i have to go back to my busy world....
till then...