Sunday, September 11, 2005
A Dangerous Contradiction
as i was lying on the bed trying to sleep----->trying to recover from the previous sleepless restless nights.
"She cut herself...but she's okay now"
i received an sms from my best friend last evening...
jumped off the bed in shock and called her up straight in shiver...
another best friend of mine...who's known to be the wisest and strongest among us... took the drastic action resulting from the heavy occurance of life crisis ...
with a package of mixed angry and sad feeling...i drove over to her place and on the way there i was gathering guts and courage to confront a situation that i've never encountered before....what should i say?...should i scream or burst out crying?..i'm not prepared for the truth that aggravates her emotional downturn and the kind of breach of peace that pulverize her long-built inner strength that she decided that not waking up for the world the next day suddenly became an option.
i walk into her room...sat next to her...letting her uninvitedly lie head on my lap...brushed my fingers through her beautiful long hair...and we talked....
i completely understand her frustrations...and that she's tired of trying...that sometimes she does not have a solution to her predicament..although she prayed hard for an answer...and that sometimes she does...but things or people arround her was not sculptured to cooperate and fit her composition of how the slopes and curves should be...all she wanted was being able to sleep at night even when she's extremely hurt...to have a normal phase of life..where she can still handle her pain in the heart and believe in time will heal....maybe you'd think she's a little bit impatient...but knowing her since my la-la land...watched her achieve and screw ...she have been very patient with handling her problems..always altering her ways to solve things...always learning to accept things in a very discretely positive manner that you can never think of....i highly respect her and her views and i'm proud that she's one of my best friend ...and i keep telling her that i envy her courage ...
she did it because all the strength that she had gathered this far was challenged.
she regretted her actions...when she remembered that she promised god that she will never take away god's property..which is her own body and soul...that it is only to god's will to decide how or when she dies...
i summarized to her....all this dilemma derrives solely from all her struggle to live..."then why should you end up dying in the end?"...a worthless act after all the years of hard work and hard trying and ends up in a dark, cold, pale grave like anybody would care...the life-after wouldn't even stop a nano-second to ponder her death....let alone the question of the afterlife...
she said i put it beautifully....
i left her home with some clarity in my mind that i will still see her alive until the time where god says her time is up...
"She cut herself...but she's okay now"
i received an sms from my best friend last evening...
jumped off the bed in shock and called her up straight in shiver...
another best friend of mine...who's known to be the wisest and strongest among us... took the drastic action resulting from the heavy occurance of life crisis ...
with a package of mixed angry and sad feeling...i drove over to her place and on the way there i was gathering guts and courage to confront a situation that i've never encountered before....what should i say?...should i scream or burst out crying?..i'm not prepared for the truth that aggravates her emotional downturn and the kind of breach of peace that pulverize her long-built inner strength that she decided that not waking up for the world the next day suddenly became an option.
i walk into her room...sat next to her...letting her uninvitedly lie head on my lap...brushed my fingers through her beautiful long hair...and we talked....
i completely understand her frustrations...and that she's tired of trying...that sometimes she does not have a solution to her predicament..although she prayed hard for an answer...and that sometimes she does...but things or people arround her was not sculptured to cooperate and fit her composition of how the slopes and curves should be...all she wanted was being able to sleep at night even when she's extremely hurt...to have a normal phase of life..where she can still handle her pain in the heart and believe in time will heal....maybe you'd think she's a little bit impatient...but knowing her since my la-la land...watched her achieve and screw ...she have been very patient with handling her problems..always altering her ways to solve things...always learning to accept things in a very discretely positive manner that you can never think of....i highly respect her and her views and i'm proud that she's one of my best friend ...and i keep telling her that i envy her courage ...
she did it because all the strength that she had gathered this far was challenged.
she regretted her actions...when she remembered that she promised god that she will never take away god's property..which is her own body and soul...that it is only to god's will to decide how or when she dies...
i summarized to her....all this dilemma derrives solely from all her struggle to live..."then why should you end up dying in the end?"...a worthless act after all the years of hard work and hard trying and ends up in a dark, cold, pale grave like anybody would care...the life-after wouldn't even stop a nano-second to ponder her death....let alone the question of the afterlife...
she said i put it beautifully....
i left her home with some clarity in my mind that i will still see her alive until the time where god says her time is up...
5 Comments:
I was there 3 mths back. It's like being on a cliff, with nagging thots in your head that nothing else in life matters. From then, u jez jumped off the cliff. Thank God for my failed attempt.
For 2 weeks, I avoided knives for fear of doing it again. I seek out friends bcoz I was too scared to be alone.
Now I'm picking up my pieces. The thing is none of my bestfriends or family members knew that episode in my life.
Try to be with your friend. There could be silent signal that she needs someone.
dear elly,
i'm not surprised when you said you have come to that point in life where you just want to end it...truth is...we all have come to that state only difference is the guts to do it...or the guts to tell ...the guts to leave people/thing that still matters....the guts to face the afterlife...i trully don't have all that guts prepared in my bank....there's a quote saying ...there's 2 big things in life ..LOVE and DEATH...and if you surpass both...you can handle anything aside that....
it's like when you passed the 3 months period...the next thing is reviving...now you're out and about going to beautiful places deserving the sceneries and fresh air...like someone holds their breath ...after 2 minutes...they stop and start breathing heavily again...it's like slashing your wrist..not deep enough..the next thing they do is wash the bleeding and wrap the wound....and eating a box of sleeping pills but still wake up the next morning....
about my friend....she have passed the stage where she feels like she's all alone in this world....after a few episodes of life...she realizes that she actually have best friends...she has a list of 3 numbers to call if she can't get trough me....sometimes we might have slipped eyes and ears of what she's going through right now...we love her and will always be with her in her ups and downs...though not literally....because she have been there for us...
and dear...do not shun away from strangers who lends their ears to listen, eyes to see, and heart to feel....
nina,
at the end of the day, the strength is within us. someone who knew told me to forget it but the truth is at that point of time, i felt i was at a bottomless pit & i couldn't see my way out. it took me days to actually crawl out. at times, i'm still scared of my ability to do it but i'm learning to bury it. beautiful things will come along the way. at the mean time, i'm taking it slow.
u know what,i just realized who this is about.if only i had read this like a few days earlier.damn my simply gatal mouth!i wouldnt have asked if i had known.i cant seem to do anything right yesterday..sorry..
it's okay iris....
you can see her smiling and laughing and cherishing her best friend's birthday....i have guarantees that she won't do anything foolish ...because she knows people around her still loves her dearly...
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