aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
aku tlah terpagut oleh cintamu
menelusup hariku dengan harapan
namun kau masih terdiam membisu

sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
mendekap penuh harapan 'tuk mencintaimu
setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
menanti sebuah jawaban 'tuk memilikimu

betapa derunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

repeat reff

aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu


Watch Video Clip

Don't be afraid of Death....be afraid of the Unlived Life....

years ago...i remembered watching discovery travel channel and came across a documentary about a cunning festival .....it was this event where people walking around town wearing exotic masks and costumes...i was monologuing...someday i'm gonna set foot on this place during this particular event...

unfortunately i was watching the end of the show and never got to know the name of the festival ...i was extremely dissapointed...and left it hanging for years until recently...
i was having this craze over the HBO series "THE CARNIVALE".......and just typical of me to google the show title on the net to find a little more info on the creator or the cast of the movie...
and i came across this site entitled "CARNEVALE" (pronounced as Carne Vale) ...and to my surprise it was this site about the same event i was looking for years ago on discovery channel!

WhAt a CoInCiDenCE!!!!!

i researched a little bit more about the festival...it is celebrated (mainly) in Venice....from 28th of January until 8th of February.....Carnevale comes from a Latin word which actually brings the meaning of "renunciation of meat"....i will not go through the whole carnevale history....though i read about it on the net...i would really love to go there someday to understand the history that has lead to the culture of this tradition.....

here are some pictures of the masquerade crowd in Venice during Carnevale.....
































































now you see why i want to go there....

Monday 14/11/2005

It wasn't intended to be the normal Hari Raya Open House...
i thought it'd be perfect if i just invite a few close friends ....and i'll cook some decent amount of meal to munch while we watch dvd or play music instead....
but it finally became the normal hari raya open house indeed
I became the normal host....with a baju kurung...
people stayed..and hang around for hours....just a few come to eat and go home...
but those who stayed...eat ever couple of hours......i'm happy...
i hope eveyone was...

4 girls in a bachelor house .....

night shorts and pajamas .....
pots and cokes .....
dvds and cameras...
snacks and chocolates...

4 liberated minds ...

thinking out of boundary....
talking of deceit and depression
sex and sexy...
love and marriage...
dreams and music....

4 cast of friends .....

the sensitive going on to passionate.....
the bubbly going on to kinky...
the artistic going on to honesty
the complicated going on to horny...

what a night
:)

wuhuuu..
finally got my fat ass back to the gym again...!

what have i missed ?..the crowd?...have anything changed since my last visit?...around a couple of months ago ..i think.....

Not Much...

Just heard the news of some good instructors posted to beijing...what a waste....
the crowds?...hehehe let me tell you something about (most of) the crowds there....this is not just a place where they focus on how much sweat they produce daily...or how much calories they burned ...or have their muscles toned a bit more comparing to last week's effort.....this is indeed a social ground to them....you see them everyday....spending most of their time jogging on treadmills...or lifting weights...or queuing for the next aerobic class...back to back classes even....and the rest of the time...they chit chat.......or to be precise...created an atmosphere of a "pasar malam" out of the place....

It's the "IN" thing to be loud...and to blend in with the popular crowd...It's "COOL" to make a lot of noises....talking about how they've lost a few kilos....and on how they like certain classes...and how they hate that particular instructor....complaining about the management....and boast on how many kids they have....some of them are even grannies who have grandchildren but they are still living the "healthy" lifestyle.....fine ...it's okay to mingle around and motivate each other on their way to achieveing their fitness goals......but do you really have to be LOUD?...gosh.....laughing out LOUD to something that is not even funny.......and pretend to be so close to each other...that they hug each other in bear sweats.......i lay ears on their common topics ....but to no avail in catching my interest ....it's merely what we call CONVERSATION...it's just some harmonics of NOISE....

i have been joining the club for about a couple of years ...and to be honest...i have only a few friends....who talks some sense.....i have to say when it comes to friend's from the gym..i'd say...i choose them...might be perceived as stuck up by the loud crowd....but whenever i talk to those smaller group of people...i can sense them looking at us...and giving us that weird look..probably thinking "rarely hear her speak".....which is...a progress...for letting them know...just because they're loud...doesn't mean we have to make friends with them....
in reality...i think i make more friends than they do...more friends who speaks of things that are meaningful...and mind developing......and the living prove is that...they spend most of their time at the gym...hangin out with their gym mate...talking about the similar thing daily...

that surely tells you something...


so there i am back to the routine...attending steps aerobic classes ...running the adrenaline again.....I LIKE....

I have been playing guitar for almost 11 years now...
the statement would just project an impression to others that i must be a good or skillfulled guitar player...

i'm just not...i strum/pluck some tunes whenever i'm the mood to do so...generally to songs that are commercialized.....and sing when i'm bored....or whenever i'm asked to...

but after all these years...i have come to realize that i've been writing some tunes and riffs here and there...some with lyrics to go along with....some with hummings...some are recorded in my PC.....some fully recorded...some halfly..or quarterly...some are just sang during the moment..and end up forgotten the very next day...or after a week......the point is...without me noticing....i've been secretly composing songs all these years.....and all the songs are what i call...MOOD-ORIENTED.....always whenever some incidents happen throughout my shaky life...i'd sit down and pick the guitar up and sing to whatever tune that suits the situation...be it happy or soppy....

I've played several instruments like organ..some piano...i even play the gamelan...but none of those are as intense as writing songs with the guitar that i owned almost as long as i started playing...the black accoustic...bought by my dad 11 years ago...it gets old..and dusty...and the strings are parted widely from the fret board...i could just swell the finger tips playing it too long...and even so i bought a new nylon-stringed classical guitar for the purpose of ..it could be a little bit easier for me to compose....but i still write songs with that particular black-guitar...let alone sell it....it's so cliched when they say certain paraphernalia just gives you sentimental values...

i never ever once let anybody listen to them.....always reason myself that it's not good...it's not commercial for public listening...it sounded like a nursery rhyme...or plain....crappy lyrics.....
but i guess all i wanted was to keep it personal...

yes it is very very personal to me...
it's not just what i strum and hum....
it's how i feel....

a continuition of Tired of becoming like a man.....

what did i do?....i became the wo"man" instead....and step up...and correcting mistakes...and apologized....did i cry or weep?..did i ask the feared question to the confused man? "NO"

kenapa lar takut sangat?!...it's not like i'm gonna haunt you to the grave for just one incident..or accident....

Thanks to the GentleLady friend of mine who whacked me in the head and said ..."You Should Do the Deed of telling them that we women do not always and necessarily be emotional about everything"...and more she said .."If you're expecting them to come forward and come clean....it's just like waiting for some Angel falling down from the sky like rain..."

so i cleared my mind...gathered strength and ...nicely and gently compose my words ...and click the button send..(althought it's not as courageous as talking straight on the phone...hey...gimme some credits eh...atleast i'm tougher than the man)...

and....it was an immediate effect...later that night...we started talking like usual again...things are not heavily burdened on my chest anymore....

i came clean...and back smiling...

Selamat Hari Raya...
Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

exactly who am i wishing?....whoever is reading...provided that they celebrate the festive..

Hari Raya is a good day...it is...
It is just not as enthusiastic as it is when i was a kid....
i remember that i always had 3 baju kurung for raya when i was younger....and now...i just couldn't bother...and supported by the fact that i could always invade mom's closet and choose any of her glamourous baju...even if it's mom's old ones...it always looks new on me..well to the very least to others' weary eyes...

Well..Raya certainly doesn't make problems lighter...indeed it makes you feel literally heavy...due to the non-stop consumption of food....it provides you medicine from laughters ...from listening to jokes from old folks and relatives ...it makes you delusional of gaining a little extra money in the pocket.....or along the way back to Kampung...it gives you the oppurtunity to apologize to people you have done wrong to...or indeed ..hoping for apologies from those who have done wrong to you.....perhaps i'd be sued for not understanding the true lights of Raya...but honestly ..deep down inside...i share the same concept that Hari Raya is a Bliss....a blessing...whatever word that describes it as a good day.....like temporary happiness..like drinking alcohol (..coming from someone who doesn't drink..this is a little weird).......

for the whole month of raya...we're given the chance to do the deeds....whenever someone wants to get grumpy...or angry...someone..or some inner voices will tell them..."Raya ni"...
and it's the time to pay someone a warm visit....and the time for someone to boast on their newly bought funiture...or baju...and this time around..it's just okay to give or accept those recognition...it's the time where people harnest their cooking style...or skill...it's time to put a lot of make ups on...It's the time to visit the foster homes to give donation without having people questioning your intentions(correction...people still do...).....it's also the time to watch free malaysian released movie(after a year period since it was screened at the cinema)....i managed to watch "buli"...and thought it was quite okay.....some morale..some reality and honesty...some childesh cartoonish effect....but overall i thought it was good...i chose to watch buli over sepet(they were showing at different channels..same timing) ..surely that tells you something...

It's also the time where i got commented for gaining some weight...and the time where i got asked..."bile nak kahwin/tunang ni?".....repeatedly...funny it used to be "dah ade yang special?"...but now they just went straight to point where they think marriage is the most popular and suitable solution for my age.....*sigh*....i'd be cynical or sarcastic to answer "esok"...but since it was a bunch of elderly people who's asking...i have to do the usual version of the Gadis Melayu type...where i just look down and smile(tunduk malu tersipu2..konon)...now who ever says "Gadis Melayu Tak Menawan?"!....hahaha...god i hate that song!....

All in all....it's a good feeling....i have my cousin to BULLY and make her watch series at nights with me...but it always ends with her ...snoring....
and me blogging...
:)