I Am NoThINg But I MiSs

Thankful

2011-05-02T10:10:00.002+08:00

Today,

i'm feeling very content and thankful for the life i have....

for the food on the table...for the health ....for the conscience ..for the family and friendship...

i can finally say i'm happy with where i am and who i am today....it's not easy for someone to admit that they are...but i really honestly...truthfully am....

of course it's not going to stop here...

i'm only human...and i'll always be 'hungry' for more..more money, career progression, experience, more travelling, a better life quality...better car, a mind-boggling relationship....

there will never be an end to what i "want" as oppose to what i "need"....

but right at this moment...

i'm proudly saying that i am ... happy...

It's been a while..

2011-04-18T20:25:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging for the longest time...

I thought I've given up for good

If i have to reason myself

I've been busy ...

busy taking care of.....

My body, My Health, My Spirit, My Emotions, My Career, My Wealth, My Happiness, My Fitness, My Soul, My...self...

The Return of the Dark Era

2010-04-28T21:07:00.000+08:00

The title was pun intended to describe my return to blogging.

It fits perfectly well considering the fact that i only Blog when i'm depressed back in the days. The question is...am i?

I can tell you the last time i was depressed...like REeeAAallly depressed up to the level where i could just lay down on the bed , lights off, stare at the ceiling above me for hours...thinking about how depressed i am. Now take note that with all those tossing and turning sleepless nights ...i still have to wake up the very next day to the job i hate...hence continue the crying and the depression again...

that's all behind me now....

I shall put my situation now as being back to square one. Starting anew...starting from scratch.

I feel the urge to blog again not because i needed a place to vent out anger, or express frustration. I just simply needed to write about what went on during my very long pause from blogging as far as i can remember it and BEFORE i would eventually forget it.

It's been one hell of a roller-coaster ride...and like a roller-coaster ride...... it's fun, it's exciting, and at the same time scary, yet mysterious, and shocking but challenging, it's wild , it's energizing , it feels never-ending . Now THAT's what i'm planning to write about .

and of course ...my life journey has not come to an end yet...as a matter of fact...i'm just about to start on a new journey , and it will be part of my writing content ...

It's 15 minutes to 12 .. i reckon i shouldn't be too ambitious to start story-telling right away...

so hold on......

Suffocated

2009-07-08T17:06:00.002+08:00

i'm already dealing with my own shit here...alone..

i can't satisfy everyone....

i can't go back just to look after someone else's well-being when i can't even handle my own...

if i go back and then what?...i will be stucked there forever....this i know for sure...

i wish that person could stop wallowing in self-pitty and gather his own strength to stay happy...

Summer Break

2009-06-30T15:40:00.003+08:00

Booked my flight to Manchester for summer....to my bestfriend's place
i was hoping that i could do a short trip to other cities as well...london, wales..and also to Dublin to visit some friends.....

wherever ..i just need to get out of "here"
with all the moving (house) in August...i'll be dead broke....

anyway...
i just need to get out of "here"

ENOUGH!!!...BASTA!!!!

2009-06-18T22:23:00.003+08:00

i'm tired of listening/reading about Dr. M (desperately) trying to promote this whole mozarella- from-Malaysia production.....

my reasons are simple :

1. There are hundreds of other local products to market...but why mozarella ??...
why make something "out" and change a few things and make it "in" and call it ours ?
this is almost like manufacturing a "Kia" car in Malaysia plant and call it "Naza"

2. We don't eat pizzas or fresh mozarellas on daily basis.... so what's next?..malaysian pizza with malaysian mozarella cheese on it?....how pathetic??

3. If the intention is to promote tourisms, this whole, local products, local people what not....
the guy who produces those cheese in langkawi ...this so-called "Mike"..though i'm sure his Italian name is "Michele"...is NOT local....
so the producer is NOT local, the food is NOT local, the only thing that is LOCAL about it is ...KAMBING!

4. I hate the way this thing have been going on for months.... i visited che det months ago..i think somewhere around december 2008, approximately the time Dr.M wrote his first blogpost suggesting(or more like an order) to promote M(ozarella) in M(alaysia), then in the same month i went back to Malaysia , i read a newspaper and saw the Italian guy with his Malaysian wife promoting their Mozarella...
ok ...yeay...you got your news headline...go and make some mozarellas from kambing what not....
then TODAY...to my surprise..i revisited chedet.com again....and waLAhhh!!
AGAIN the words of wisdoms about Malaysian Mozarella in his blogpost!....

I'm pretty sure it's not making a hit in penetrating the market....so why the desperation?...ade share kaa??

*as writing...enjoying Italian Mozarella...yummy!

Vediamo up po'!

2008-12-11T21:20:00.003+08:00

allora,

Oggi, voglio scrivere in Italiano perche ho studiato la lingua per un anno...però non l'ho usato sempre. Perche??...non lo so.....probabilmente perche mi sento una bambina quando parlo oppure scrivo in Italiano....è imbarazzante. Comunque, devo provare sempre per migliorare no?....
ma, non so di cosa devo scrivere.....

La settimana scorsa, ho comprato il Blackberry Storm.... che bello!...
forse, questo non è il migliore cellulare per tutti altri...ma, per me è venire incontro alle mie neccesità. quindi, lo mi piace molto!

Per quanto riguarda la mia vita qui in Italia, credo, è andata bene. Insomma, sono contenta di lavoro e riesco ad addatarsi a questa città ...io dico tutto a posto...spero, sarò bene nel futuro...

Sto aspettando per 19 dicembre . I dati che torno in Malesia .

okay....this is sooooo tiring!....

a dopo!!

my first attempt to making karipap

2008-09-28T22:27:00.004+08:00

So since raya(Eid) is coming...i decided to give my boss and colleagues a little taste of malaysian food...
Cooking rendang or other typical Raya food is not an option....because i don't think i'll be able to find the right ingredients for it....plus i don't think they'll be able to eat it...Italians have small tolerance when it comes to food ....
i decided to make karipap pusing to match one local italian (napoleatan) snack called sfogliatella...
the inner part of sfogliatella is normally something sweet....sweet cheese etc...paling tak pun they will put spinach and ricotta cheese in it.....
of course karipap is not sweet....it'll be nice to surprise them with that....

So...cut the story short .....picture speaks louder than words....

so brace yourself.....here it comes......

the inti.....cost me ages to cut those potatoes into small cubes....

and my first official karipap ever made

as much as picture speaks louder than words....un-shown pictures speaks an
infinite possibilities...

what ever happened to the karipap after it was cooked?

Gladiator

2008-09-25T03:26:00.010+08:00

Today i was having a conversation with a friend back home
We were talking about money...our expenditure...traveling funds...and the likes
so I told her to keep track on her savings..especially the one for her euro trip early next year (of course for selfish reason la kan...i want people to come here to see me ..;) )

me : weh...ko make sure saving to tak kacau...jangan nak shopping je
her : ehh shopping tetap shopping la...save pun save jugak
her : weh..beli la gladiator...lawa
me : gladiator?... ape tu?...sejenis kereta ke?...
(of course it sounded like a car ..macam macho2 and bold gitu)
her : bukan la....gladiator tu macam sandals la....
me : kejap kejap aku google.....
(at this point i really thought she was joking...who would name a genre of shoes after "gladiator"??)

allora ( translated as..."so" in Italian)....thanks to google images...i found this

and this ....
and this...
me : ieee ape ni...buruknye!...semak aku tengok..
her : sekarang fashion la....bile pakai lawa.....
me : tak pernah pulak aku tengok orang pakai kat sini....
her : ramai la....maybe your fashion sense dah malfunction kot
(ermmm....that might be true...)
(or just maybe it has skipped my sight...i mean..people's feet are definitely not my thing....i would look at those lean tight muscles on the chest of those hot italian hunks and... drool, or the curves of those double-meat that's hanging on a girl's chest and bottoms - for envious observation purposes laa!!...but not kaki orang....)
me : but now autumn...orang tak pakai dah kot mcm ni....maybe next summer
(then i remembered ...)
me : oh baru teringat....aku ade kasut macam ni...tp tak la tinggi mcm tu....itu pun aku beli ad
hoc kat H&M sebab kaki aku melecet kat shopping mall...
(plus it's only around 9 euros)...

It looks something like this

me : tapi aku sangat rimas bende ikat kat atas tu...so balik rumah aku gunting yang atas...tinggal
yang bawah je...so jadi la macam "normal" sandals
(truth is... my betis tu kembang ...so of course that little thing causes me discomforts due
to it's tightness)
her : cheh

So out of the conversation...
although reluctant to believe that people would actually wear it...
but then again.....i remembered when Crocs first came out.....

To my humour ...i thought to myself ...here it comes..."The Revenge of But Getah"
but soon enough... when i walk around in the city...i see vibrance on the streets ....in all sorts of different bright colours that can make an impotence out of a man...

anyway....i got a little bit curious.....do gladiators really wear those kind of shoes(something similar) back in the days??...so i browsed through my Rome pictures and stumbled upon ....

and this ....

ouh....that's my abah....ready to decapitate that poor Roman Gladiator....go dad!

Now i'm beginning to contemplate on who's more creative and imaginative....the Chanel Designer or the Romans?

2 years....

2008-09-17T02:16:00.003+08:00

selesai menjalankan tahlil......buat sedekah arwah mak.....
sedar tak sedar she's been gone for exactly 2 years tommorow......
raya makin dekat....it's always devastating knowing that i'll be celebrating it without a mom...furthermore i'm far away from home....it's harder thinking that my dad will be celebrating it without mom..and without me ....i feel sorry for him...
sometimes i wonder what would it be like if she's still around....with the exact condition now....
me and my current accomplishment ....would she be proud or would she be angry at me for leaving home?.....i'm imagining that she's at home right now......growing old with my dad......with their smiles and laughters
i really miss her...

A Delightful Gift

2008-09-11T05:05:00.005+08:00

His Discrete Prayers

Love You Abah

and to those who have wished/called me earlier
thank you
I will see you end of this year InsyaAllah

Ramadhan...in Italy

2008-09-01T19:35:00.003+08:00

My first puasa alone...and away from home....
back then i used to think of what to eat when it's time to 'buka' the whole time i was fasting...
now...it's just ..ok..puasa..balik nanti buka...i couldn't picture a single food in my mind that i crave for...

ouh well..maybe it's better....

but it's a little challenging when the digital clock on my notebook is showing 1.15 pm ...and everyone back home keeps wishing me selamat berbuka puasa ..whereas my time will only be 6 hours from then on.....:)

anyway..it's an experience....for what it's worth....to family and friends and all muslims that are celebrating...

Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan...

Them or Me?

2008-08-30T02:23:00.004+08:00

i came across my horoscope for today in Friendster and it says that i'm starting to see someone in a whole new light, and chances are that they are starting to see me in a new light as well.
i'm not much of a horoscope believer.... so life went by as normal...it's Friday...can't wait to end the day and embrace weekend...
Not so much work to do...indeed...nothing to do at all...so i was just enjoying the comfort of the internet...learning tricks on how to hack my Official Firmware newly bought PSP and change it to Customware ...and in the mean time..chatting with some friends...a lot of them infact....
with interesting different topics that arises

another malaysian in the same company
- We breathe the same Italian air, we went through the same program ...work under the same umbrella company...but despite the fact that we were put under the same situation, we are still two different people of different culture, race and beliefs...but today, i discovered something about him having the exact same thoughts i do about being abroad...missing home...loving KL more than ever....bak kata orang hujan emas negeri orang, hujan batu negeri sendiri...lebih baik negeri sendiri....loving our culture...loving our FOOD...talking to him makes me feel at home...talking about ramadhan..about the bazaar during ramadhan..the colourful tasteful food...and how much we despise Italian food...but out of courtesy have to pretend to enjoy it.....It felt like...me and where i come from...was finally understood by someone....

an old friend from University
- we had a deep conversation about political issues that's going on in Malaysia...i haven't been able to talk about political issues for over 10 months now ...only manage to read about it from the net..it's nice to feel like i still have some sense of political awareness and yes i do still care about my country!....Selamat Hari Kemerdekaan ke-51 Malaysia...

A friend whom i haven't talked to for quite a while
- a multilingual friend (an Indonesian who speaks of course Indonesian, good English ,French and parla poco Italiano) so during the conversation, there was a little twist of Lingua exchange....and things got a little steamy after sometime...(hey can you blame me?....it's 2 of the sexiest/romantic language in the world Francese e Italiano)...ok..not so steamy.....but well...
more like...Kinky euphemism

My Ex-boyfriend
- After months of silence...we chatted a little bit...asking how we're doing etc...and it got to the topic of his new relationship...and he told me...It wasn't serious..."Cinta Monyet" ..his exact words!!!...and I was like wtf?!!....he's going to be 28 end of this year...how can you afford to have Puppy Love at that point of age?....Call me cynical or conservative...but aren't you suppose to be having serious relationships or planning your marriage ...well at least..have thoughts about it??....
guess some people never change...and yet..probably...he didn't want to admit that it wasn't going well....you know...EGO....anyway...i wish him good luck....

A good friend from back home
- i always appreciate his honesty towards me ..and i enjoy his company...since he works at odd hours..(an aircraft engineer for MAS)...both of us manage to come across each other on YM more often than anyone....out of the conversation he told me that he discovered how insightful i could be...and out of his gut feelings...he told me he had a hunch that i'm going to have a grand wedding...i didn't think it was cheesy..indeed it put a smile on my face and i believed his words..it's like a prayer directed literally to you......i thanked him and told him how he made my day...

My Dad
- i was whining about how hard it is to achieve something ...it's not easy...yaddii yaddaa...regretss..i should've done this i should've done that..bla bla ba....and he said..."it's simple...willpower"...i was stunned.....how come i forgot about that for so long....I may not have everything but i damn know i have that in me....willpower and determination that have brought me to where i am now.....i even believe that it's hereditary.....inherited from my late mother....her willpower to survive and go through cancer....

so from all those conversation...i did discover a new light in someone....most important of all...
i discovered a whole new light in myself from someone else....I'm blessed

The Challenge is ON!

2008-08-26T17:59:00.000+08:00

Where's the Fast Forward Button!

2008-08-06T20:45:00.002+08:00

yES....where is it?....
I would like to click on it for Friday....
I would like to click on it for Summer holiday to begin.....

2 days of 24 hours more just makes me crazy.....
I just came out of a tele-conference which was conducted completely in Italian...so you can imagine how completely clueless i was...my ex- roommate was on the other side of the conference, if it was a video conference, we could at least look at each other and smile or make one of those funny faces

after constant skype-ing with my dad about the trip....i've finally reached the maximum capacity of confusion...HIS confusion....it's sooooo hard to explain something to him....not that he doesn't understand ...but he keeps making conclusions without even letting me finish my explanations...
and it blows me off!...so finally i told him..just pack all your stuff..(and the stuff i asked him to bring for me)....bring your medicines, and your suitcases and just COME.....let me worry about all the little things.....(merajuk pulak tu...adoiiiii...)

ok...sabar sabar....

anyway......nevertheless, i'm excited to see him, my first brother, my aunt&uncle and their 2 daughters and son-in-law
it should be an interesting and challenging vacation....

oh...and i just moved out from the hotel....to the new apartment...after a month and a half waiting!!.......it's compact..but nicely convenient for 1 person stay...i celebrated the fact of me finally having a kitchen by cooking nasi lemak ...wow...awesome!!!...
and it has been good since.......

so please dear God...push the fast forward button!...

I live in a Material World

2008-07-21T00:24:00.008+08:00

The Posessions

My first Samsonite

my new toy...Sony Vaio SZ

my new crib...Subang Andaman

The life

My New Job....and the new means to travel
(Copenhagen, Denmark)

Che è Sucesso?

2008-07-18T17:47:00.003+08:00

I've been away for almost a year now....

reading news journals on what's currently happening in Malaysia is a massive crowd at the back of my mind....on a typical condition...whenever this happens..i feel like i'm going to literally puke ....

the railway project (supposedly rm 14 billion to cover the distance from Padang Besar to Johor Baharu but since it was postponed years back....they only managed to proceed with Ipoh - Padang Besar which covers only half of the planned distance for double the cost - rm 12 billion)..

My company won the bid for the partial systems of the project...if in the future they extend the project ..we might stand a chance to win the tender again...
yes..it's business to the company...it is also an opportunity for me if they would send me back home for work.
But i'm not sure wether i should be happy or sad....
on one hand my company won and on the other hand my country lose...

the oil price is shooting up..(again)....i don't drive in Malaysia right now...but i share the frustration of the people back home...what other options do they have?..public transportation?...
Living in Europe...i don't mind taking public transportation to work...buses, metros...they have it to every directions at a high frequency of arrivals....i remember the last time i did public transportation in Malaysia was when i was in school, when i can't drive....if you're lucky ..you can get a bus or train every half and hour...

IF you're lucky....

and then you have to deal with the fact that they are too crowded
and full of perverts....

And the recent Anwar Ibrahim case with Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan...
I really don't know what to elaborate on this....
I don't really trust politicians...i don't trust people who would do just about ANYTHING to be in the political limelight either...
former student leader....are their words meant to be trusted?...

Bila Bosan dan Keseorangan

2008-06-29T18:30:00.007+08:00

- Corinne Bailey Rae Lyrics

CLICK ME!

New Phase : Internship (againnnnn....)

2008-06-23T02:54:00.002+08:00

So 8 months of misery is finally over...

the long dragged pointless classroom training is done and DONE, and we are now obliged to undergo a 4 months training at the Operating Companies of Finmeccanica.

So where am i posted ?
At the city of choas, traffic congestion, garbage issues, gypsy populations and it is as old as the age of a dragon....Napoli or Naples (Italy)

At least that is how it is perceived....

the first time i ever step foot in Naples was just to go straight to the port, take the ferry....and off i go to Capri island..the opposite picture of the afore mentioned...and then there was sorrento...ohh a city of bliss...then positano and amalfi coast...the heavens on earth....

those places are not so far yet not so near....that was months before i found out that i'm posted here...right in the centre of naples...
So yes....the heart of naples is bounded by it's problems....but it's also showered by it's history....not quite perceived as an Italian city...with a little twist of influences from every empire that used to colonize them back in the days....they even have their own accent which is not understood by other italians (Napolitano).....the buildings around are rather old...but very pure and historical...

I've been here for a week now...sure the city is as popularly mentioned..
I'm not quite a spoilt bitch or a wannabe who would say No to Naples right away....
I've given the city a chance.....and i'm pretty OK with it....sure in terms of city structure and organization....Kuala Lumpur is '500 times' better....but it's depending on the parts of the city....i should say..the train station in naples is comparable to puduraya or show kit road...or lorong haji taib etc....and the better areas like jalan p.ramlee, jalan tunku abdul rahman etc....
All in all.....I survived my first week ALONE in Naples...

Now ..on WORK....
I'm posted to Ansaldo STS (thank god...at least i'm working in FNM co. that produces train systems...not guns or missiles or bombs...and they have a lot of international projects)
so far so good....i would take a million of where and what i am now...over being in Rome in the classroom, having to deal with the not-so-friendly staffs in the corporate sector....
I thought i would have trouble because of the language barrier...fortunately...my department is surrounded by young executives and engineers who's eager to practice their english...(at least it's understandable)....and sort of using me as they practice ground.....va bene...tutto bene...
1 week and i've already been given a task and a clear picture on the projects that i'll be working on....i love it..not the typical internship where u sit around and do nothing....
the pay...is quite well considering the fact that it's only an internship phase....
mi piace molto!!!

alrighty....i'm grateful...
sono contenta....

Travel Log

2008-05-02T16:39:00.002+08:00

EUROPE

Italy

rome
milan
bologna
verona
venice
florence
pisa
naples
genova
varese
capri island
amalfi coast
sorrento
positano
salerno
fucino

Spain

Madrid
Barcelona
Toledo

Finland

Rovaniemi
Kemi
Tampere
Helsinki

Sweden

Stockholm

more to come...

ARGHHHH

2008-04-08T02:02:00.001+08:00

aku nak studyyyyyy...tanak laaa lagu bodoh kau yang memeningkan kepala tuuuuuuu!!!!!!

Dreams and Achieved

2008-03-30T06:05:00.012+08:00

Dream Lists

some years ago....

1. Play professional Gamelan
2. Work and Live abroad (in a non-English speaking country)..learn foreign language
3. Visit Venice during Carnevale

Recent Years

1. Passed audition to join Rhythm In Bronze (Leading Malaysian contemporary
gamelan group)..Performed in "Alih Punggong" at KLPac and some other great shows
2. Accepted into Fhink Master in International Business Engineering program by
Finmeccanica(an Italian company in technological industries) , undergoing
the program in the heart of Rome, Italy
3. Closer than ever to Venice , January 26th - visited Venice during CARNEVALE ,
took lots and lots of pictures and walked around town wearing a mask and pretended
to have a different life.

and more...

- Traveling around Europe
- meet Italian and Spanish hotties
- learning and speaking Italian
- went to arctic circle and met Santa clause
- earning Euros
- international and multicultural friends
- being able to speak English with American accents without being judged
- roll around on the snow and experience snowfall and out in the open when it was -16 degrees
- step foot and climbed on world's wonders and heritage
- traveled on a cruise
- wear boots
- buy Italian brand clothings/bags

I've been floating on my dreams i've longed for ..walking on the clouds of granted wishes...
Who would've thought a small glimpse of hopes could become true reality...which eventually leads to more and more unexpected opportunities

With a price to pay...having to leave everyone and everything i cared about behind....

It's the choice i make to stay away from living the

Unlived Life.

No Regrets...
No Regrets...

I will come home...fulfilled..

Rhythm In Bronze

Alih Punggong @ Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre

"STAVO SUONANDO LA CHITARRA MENTRE STAVI DORMENDO"

Fhink Master Experience

Carnevale Di Venezia 2008

Final Destination...or Next?

2007-08-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

Here's the conclusion of my last posting(yes muz..you're probably be the only one who cares...hehehe)...
yes..a total life change is awaiting for me...in rome, italy...
one year of studying, and 2 years attached with the company and be sent to..anywhere they'd dunk me...

i got through the assessment..lucky 30 people in the world...okay..the hard part was telling my dad about it...but i did..he didn't stop me from going..which i was taken by surprise...but i guess he was sunked in by my words,"if you care about my well beings, ur blessings are the most essential thing, the harder it is to give, the more it will guard me"..the second hardest part was to deal with my bonding with my current company..they must think i have an obsession with scholarships and breaking bond contracts...
other than these two...worries, anticipation what not...is just something that i have to close an eye on...

windows of colloseum

who would've thought i'd be one step closer to my dream . Going to carnevale in venice was my long term dream that came true sooner than i thought...it was stated in my previous posting somewhere last year ( i no longer remember how to do the link source code)...

Streets of Rome

self explained

Finmeccanica Office (where i'll be)

Streets of Trevi

Fontana di Trevi (fountain of dream)
this is where i bought my dream with a euro

i had no time to load my pictures in my Flickr..coming up real soon

lucky 2007..or?

2007-07-07T04:14:00.000+08:00

When good things were taken away from you...
believe that good things will come rolling back towards your direction..sooner or later..

End of last year, i've suffered a great lost ...something that changed my life almost entirely,but it's not long enough for things to turn out the other way round.
Series of good (or if i may exaggerate a little bit) GREAT things had happened eversince, i would exchange all of it back for the purpose of getting back what (or who) i have lost the previous year, but the universe just wouldn't allow a reversal.

In a few hours, i'll be leaving to ROME for some assesment (i don't feel like writing it down..at least not now)...it's a 50-50% chance of a total life change (once again)..for better or worse, i don't know...it's the chance i'm willing to risk..

it's a good life i'm having right now, good job, good friends good social life and lifestyle, but i guess it's never settled if you can be only happy, but not content with what you have. My dad and aunt asked me..."what do you really want?"...funny that i can't give them a straight answer whereby i sounded certain when i told them wanted to go..i replied, "i don't know what i want, but i do know what i don't want"...and the only way to find out is to go out searching for it, rather than staying and settling...i don't want to be bounded by fear (yes..this is what i want)

whatever it is..fate still depends on the almighty..

see you in a week..

RIB in white

2007-05-27T21:59:00.000+08:00

okay,

2 of my gamelan mates have blogged about our recent gig at kl hilton....and posted some pretty pictures of the group wearing complete "british india style" of white attire...
i personally think we looked angelic good ..(but not so angelic in attitude considering the bombs of our wicked laughters and yeah ..as mentioned by may in her blog...cross-chattings!..ouh boy..)..

ouh....i enjoyed the delicious tiramisu, only later to find out that rum was part of the original recipe....*sigh

Break or Break?

2007-04-06T00:48:00.000+08:00

I thought i deserved the big break after AP,

1. Just about the right timing, work pressure is kicking in, 2007 is like a living hell for us, it's like the era of issues...it's okayyyy....it's fineee still....
i can handle it....i can sunk in all the extra effort doing my work. ..

2. Getting myself involved in dangerous affairs ...the been-there-done-that affairs...Something i knew i crushed so much about back then...and i'm confident if it were to happen again, i'd handled it differently emotionally ... but hey....i'm too old to feel that way all over again..which is my only concern... so an advise from a friend... "just go with the flow...it's a myth created by women anyways(okay this i disagree)" says him.

3. today....dad told me his blood test results and he is diagnosed to have chronic leukemia...
I'm all speechless..i couldn't even dive in to determine how i feel inside...or...should i say i don't have the guts to...
don't break..don't break................not now...at least that i tell myself....

so tell me...where is the break i needed? or maybe.....when will i break down ?

The Cabaret Experience

2007-03-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

All pictures are courtesy of Ann Salina Peter

more at
http://www.flickr.com/photos/girlrilaz

Counting down

2007-03-02T11:00:00.000+08:00

3 more days to go....

my backache is really killing me..arghhhh!!....
The opening night was ...well to me it was fun...i've lost all the nervousness and anxiety , i was just having a good time....and furthermore, an audience who happens to be a friend of one of the performer told her that I looked very pretty...hahah...despite the fact that i felt super flabby in the kebaya and the hideous cloth bengkung (corset) which makes my tummy looks more bloated than my boobs....
tonight...tommorow night and sunday afternoon...people i know will be there...as the directors were stressing out that we were playing inwards, not projecting out playing to the audience ...i'll have my audiences for these 3 nights...therefore i need to keep my energy up...

i seriously need a shoulder massage!

Alih PungGong

2007-02-23T00:33:00.000+08:00

Enough of picture blogging , and i was privately commented that i should stop the ridicule of posting lyrics in my blog.

I feel like I'm right at the point when i first started blogging , that was somewhere around end of 2005?..i think...
reverting back to my very first post in virtual world , it was not meant... because i have too much to say ...it was simply because at that point i was actually draining...

Things are just moving too fast late off, eversince September , when my mom passed away, and then the recovery process, and then the work , and the Gamelan , It's feels like waking up from an operation theatre, when u were put unconscious for hours under anaesthetic and when u actually recover from the drug effect you're like "what?...we're done?"...hours went by, goods and damages done , but u feel like it was only a blink of an eye.

The weird fact is, I actually wanted things to speed up. There's nothing awaiting you behind, and what's upfront is uncertain but u just wanted to get it over and done with.

Work is ...you know...Work, i have had my honeymoon years learning new things at the office/line, I've enjoyed being the new employee who's liable to make mistakes or learn through mistakes from time to time , or go back home to sleep during lunch , now it's just a full load heavy duty which makes me at parr with the rest of my seniors except for the salary. I'm the favourite person for the line people to look for to do them a little "ditry" favours (not in sexual terms ) . Leaving my speed dial number inside the line was a BIG mistake...applying for one was a mistake beforehand, which is why i have 2 phones...workline, personal line...which doesn't really fit the purpose since i don't have enough guts to off my workline during non-working hour . So those who works on shifts have little sense of sensitiviy for my private life that they can call me up at 3 a.m in the morning . Ouh well, it's the job that pays the bills....

Okay, so it's been a hard day's night during daytime, now it's time for de-stress, what do i do?...music?...yeah it has always worked for me....well atleast that's what i thought...so right after work, i'll rush to my "second home" all the way to sentul for gamelan rehearsals. It was all fun and relaxing...yeah at first...the closer it gets to the actual performance day, the crazier it gets, the schedules, the musical and movement workshops.....everyone's just exerted. The biggest drive for me to move my ass up(alih punggong) and go to rehearsals EVERYDAY till wee hours is realizing the fact that It's Gamelan that i'm juggling my life up and down for.

Nevertheless, i'm exhausted, people who are close to me don't really understand why i'm doing this to myself or..to them, considering what i've become. Getting your faces all around the newspapers and tv doesn't count much, since everytime i see myself on tv or paper, it feels suicidal looking at how fat i've become due to the stress. I was asked during an interview, how do i keep the energy and dynamic of music playing up since i have a completely different profession from what i am doing with the group. I said It's difficult at first since my daily routine had become double-sided when during daytime, it's all technical, organized, decisive , analytical repertoire and the other remaining half of the day is dedicated to something artistical, flowy, lyrical, musical , theatrical acts. I learned the trick to leave my daytime character once i enter the studio and i'm a musician like the rest of them, but it's never really getting there...at least i think not.

Today alone, i received bulk emails of friend's wedding/engagement/first baby born invitations/announcements ...it's sweet and all, but disturbing in a weird way...I'm really happy for them but i was just wondering, are they moving too fast or am i moving too slow?

I really need to ALIH PUNGGONG after ALIH PUNGGONG is over...

Ouh so damn...

2007-01-06T17:15:00.000+08:00

What do you think of me?
Are you quite proud of this make-believe
Curtain that hangs around everything
You can admire in that girl
She's so.. damn.. beautiful

You will see me rise again
You will feel me fly again
You're so wonderful
I will be there by your side

I see before the race you've run
And jump ahead too far
You're so damn beautiful

I see before the race you've run
And jump ahead too far
You're so damn beautiful

What do you see in me?
Are you quite proud of this make believe
Feeling that hangs around everything
You once admired in that girl
You're so damn beautiful

I will see you rise again
And I will feel you fly again
You're so wonderful
I will be there by your side
You're so wonderful
I will be there by your side

I see before the race you've run
And jump ahead too far
You're so damn beautiful

I see before the race you've run
And jump ahead too far
You're so damn beautiful

What do you think of me?
Are you quite proud of this make-believe
Curtain that hangs around everything
You can admire in that girl
She's so damn beautiful............

NOW HERE'S THE REAL DEAL

Rafting Challenge – Nenggiri 2007

Location: Sungai Nenggiri, Kuala
Betis,Gua Musang, Kelantan.

Date: 17–20 February 2007(4 days,3
night).

Fees:RM 250 per pax package
includes:guide, rental of raft &
equipment, camping equipment, meal (4
lunch, 3 dinner, 3 breakfast), return
train ticket from KL-Gua Musang.

we are targeting participation of 60
pax (1st come 1st serve).

if any of you (or your frenz,family)
would like to join the fun and
excitement, pls email your following
details:

1.Name
2.I/C No
3.Phone No
4.E-mail address

And email it to:

1) Azmani Mohd - maz_brasco@yahoo.com
2)Jimmy - puterajimmy@gmail.com

to register yourself and pls ask for
our bank account number to deposit
RM100 before 15th Jan 2006. Pls keep
your bank receipt for proof.

For more inquiries, do not hesitate to
buzz us..!!

(This event was brought to you by the
OLD Outrecs Boys)

Longan Giant

2006-12-13T20:26:00.000+08:00

This is Longan Giant at Macam-macam ada restaurant in Ampang
It's RM7 ...unless you're a heavy drink loader do no attempt to order this for you alone

When i saw this sign at the counter...termenung seketika.....

Matching shade of Pink

A common view during lunch at Subang Ria

Photoblogging becomes an option due to my busy schedule ( or lazy-ness) .... less effort in thinking what to write ...less time spent ... less expectations...less words...less worries.
Plus It's not easy describing what the eye conqeurs in words
Therefore, i bought a 1 gig memory stick from PC fair ..to accompany my cheap phonecam...so i can snapshot everything into a summary...

RIB Selayang Prima Community Project

2006-12-11T13:05:00.000+08:00

Date : 10/12/2006
Time : 2.00 pm
Venue : Taman Selayang Prima
Repertoire : Topeng , Story telling session "hikayat hang kasturi" (song composed by selayang kids).

Coordinated by Rhythm in Bronze gamelan group
Artistic Director : Mark Teh
Production : Five Arts Centre

Training Session

After Focusing

Topeng

Kakak Yee Ting giving the queue

hehe.... the Star Reporter whom i met when i had my Bayar Saman incident

What's better than getting Free T-shirts?

And not forgetting our sponsors

Rhythm in Bronze...here i come!!!!

2006-11-06T23:13:00.000+08:00

My second try-out for the RIB group was worth every bit...
I GOT IN!!!...like yeay!!!!
Last year..i got in for a second audition and flunked.
this year..i thought i flunked the re-assesment again....until i received a call from Jillian Ooi herself spilling me the news
man i just can't read scores!...i depend most on my hearing skills rather than papers filled with numbers....

nothing much to shout about...i've been selected as one of the sub-principal player (out of 2 picked from the audition)
they currently have 10 principal players...
just so you know...the principal players are somewhat pros...and the subs are yet to be trained...
but i'm just deadly excited...
can't wait to lay my hands on the beautiful bronze again...

Small Change Please....

2006-10-23T06:07:00.000+08:00

I have a peculiar pattern of incidents when it comes to paying something at the cashiercounter...where i don't seem to have small change ready ...and everytime i get tangled in this kind of situation....i always get the bad gestures from the cashier...
Even when i politely say "mintak maaf makcik/pakcik/dik/bang...saya takda duit pecah"...
i usually get the reply of "

TSK!"

or an inverted smily face ...

or even worse....i got a sarcastic remark once which goes like this

"....Haiiiihhhhh....nak beli air mineral sebotol punnnnn...nak pakai duit rm50...." with a very makcikly intonation

goshh...it's not like i'm paying you with credit card...

so from the same pattern throughout my observation..I always get myself prepared with small change whenever i want to go to these places...

1. Some R&R restaurants - Almaklumla...jauh from the bank..almost impossible to prepare small change to customers....let them prepare for us lahh..

2. Some busy foodcourts such as Hartamas Square - Hello...tak nampak orang ramai ni....tak kuasa kay nak layan ko nyer duit baki nih!

3.Public Transport ticket counters - Go to the automated machines laa...go get some coins...shhh shhh..can't u see i'm busy

4. Kedai Photostat - banyak ko punya cantik..photostat sekeping..nak bayar pakai RM50 ..ko igt bapak ko punya kedai ka...peeeeegggiii daaahhh...*gaya p ramlee

5. Autopay Parking Ticket Machines - u turn around ...trying to catch the eye of the person behind you...hoping to get some sympathy..that they would spare some change...they turn their face and look behind...ermm....understand..understand...they need the change themselves..

What to do..u can't expect people to have courtesy to spare some small change for you...let alone replying in a nice manner asking you to change the money elsewhere....so....sediakan payung sebelum hujan....

But...on the other hand...
there are safe places to go without small change.

1.McDonalds or any Food-Chained restaurants....
2.Petrol stations...
3.Tollgates
4.High classed restaurants

Maybe they hold a different concept...big money means money...

Life at 70%

2006-10-23T02:24:00.000+08:00

Okay...it's about time i tell myself to SNAP OUT of the gloomy mood...
even so....I'm not completely back at 100% ...it makes me ponder...when did it ever reach that scale?
I was having a conversation with my aunts about going shopping for raya and all...
and i told her..now...i only go for anything between the discount range of 50%-70%....
and she replied ..."aahhh...sekarang baru kau tau..."....i was convinced she was referring to the ME back then when mom was still around..or to be a little bit more specific....when i wasn't earning my own money...nothing matters but getting what i liked at first glance ..then and there..:D
*sigh...
i indeliberately said to my little cousins...."duit raya korang also got discount ok...70% less"...

It suddenly strucked me that 70% lingers around to be quit an important figure to measure life condition at current moment....

social level - 70%
confidence level - 70%
articulate level - 70 %
eating level - 70%
sanity level - 70%
patience level - 70%
artistic level - 70%
enthusiasm level - 70%
horny level -10%

some might say 70% is a load of gain....but looking back at when we were in school...getting a 70% in exams is good..but not good enough ..not to you...or at least everyone else...
so what u do next is to work harder to gain that 30% more or so...

same rules applied...

i'm not a greedy person...if i can improve the yield by a 5% would make me smile a little while...
it's a load of hard work...especially when you don't live alone in this world ....
anyway....i might not achieve a full total of 30%...but i'll give it a 100% try...
that wouldn't hurt ya?

70% sleepy...
signing off...for now..

Selamat Hari Raya

2006-10-21T18:57:00.000+08:00

A few more days to go ......

Hari raya....and the 3rd day of hari raya would be the 40th day my mom passed away.
My sis in law gave birth to a baby boy last monday...everything denotes to something memorable in the past few weeks ..
I could not imagine how this Hari Raya would be for us ...It's already different on the outfront...the preparations...the emotions...although everyone is trying really hard to make it as normal as possible.......it will never be the same...not this year or the following years ahead...
It's hard trying to take over her role in the house only to find out that i can never BE anything near to her....it comes to an end where i realized that i'm just a daughter who lost her mother and stays lost....
I just missed her so much....

Photo taken a month before she passed away - My graduation day

To all friends and blogger friends...Selamat Hari Raya....please forgive all my wrong doings or any hurt i caused by something i do or said...Cherish ur Hari Raya among your loved ones....Drive safely ....

Al-Fatihah...

2006-09-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

Her smell is slowly decaying...and yet the image of her still linger around every now and then....
The struggle almost up to 4 years ends with one peaceful last breath ...thou we shall tell ourselves "she is no longer in pain" to ease our own pain of such great lost.
It was a predicament in between prayers asking for
one : if God were to cure her....cure her as though she never had any sickness
two : if God loves her more than that...take her soul peacefully and place it among the loved ones

Poor dear dad, losing his soulmate of 33 years of marriage. It's a heart breaking moment walking into his room spotting him sniffing her stuffs just to retrieve her scents and breaking into tears....

Poor dear bro who has limitations...who does not even understand why God took her away....and wonders who would wake him up for 'sahur' during Ramadhan month.

Poor dear bro who didn't get to see her at the very last moment of her life

I don't know if i'm ever prepared to take over her place...
It's easier taking care of a dying person rather than taking care of people who lives...

but i'll do what i have to do...

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

-Sarah Mclachlan -do what you have to do-

Wangi

2006-09-03T20:09:00.000+08:00

The smell of bedridden mother

What's Happening to this World?

2006-07-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

Why?

Power? Greed? Money? Hatred?

What are those Mommy?

Mommy...?....Mommy?!...Daddy?!!!

Where are you?!!!

*sound of gunfire and bombs in the background*

Kiling Spree...Killing Spree....Killing....Killing.....Spree...Shopping Spree...Killing Spree..
KILLING SPREE!!!

"Orang ramai yang ingin menghulurkan derma kepada tabung itu bolehlah menghantar cek atas nama "Mercy Humanitarian Fund" yang dialamatkan kepada ibu pejabat Mercy Malaysia di 45B, Tingkat 2, Jalan Mamanda 9, Ampang Point, 68000, Ampang.

Sumbangan juga boleh disalurkan secara terus kepada Mercy Malaysia melalui akaun Maybank bernombor 562179504126 dan menghantar slip bank melalui faksimili ke nombor 03-42518435 dengan menyertakan nama, alamat dan nombor telefon penderma bagi tujuan pengeluaran resit rasmi."

-- BERNAMA

End Of A Leap Year Of Torment

2006-07-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

I have taken a lackadaisical approach to my blog off late... I have ran out of ideas of what to say in the blog ...
Although I do not immerse myself in the World Cup fanfare but I have taken notice on the ongoings at the final game .. nooo .. i didnt watch the final game .. I read in the papers on how Zidane , a player of such elegance and stature would do something rash and uncalculated which hurt the morale of the whole team... but more importantly his pride and his years of service to the French team ... such an action was provoked by a hurtful remark which included an atrocious insult on his mother. Was the slander absolutely necessary ? Was the retaliation fit the price of the crime ? Its up for you to answer blogger friends ...

SITE REPORT!

2006-07-03T20:29:00.000+08:00

I almost forgot how to log in to blogger.com......

I checked my mail today, there was a report from my site meter provider. Terharu...i still have people viewing my page, I don't even do that much myself lately..enjoying my solitary moment i have to say...btw...greetings blogger friends...

while everyone's busy talking and writing about world cup, on how Portugal beat England on penalty, on how Brazil lost to France after second half....I think i'll write about something else...

England Supporters : kalah .....gaduh gaduh gaduh

Germany Supporters : menang...riot riot...vandalism....gaduh-gaduh

Korean Supporters : Menang....party party party...just before dawn....kutip sampah ramai2

u see..i'm not much of a fan....so all i could do is be nosy...

ngantuk la...to be continued.......

Casa and the Bees

2006-05-17T03:18:00.000+08:00

This is a picture taken from Block A (direct from my room window) .....i'm in no mood of writing long sentences....i'll leave it to Casa Villa management office to summarize this one...

Monday SMS blues

2006-05-08T17:32:00.000+08:00

Hotlink came up with a new prepaid plan....

every monday, starting from 12 midnight ..(correct me if i'm wrong)....
we can purchase sms bundle consists of 1000 sms for RM 1.
the catch is : the sms bundle will only be valid until 11.59pm the very same day

sounds interesting?...

what are the chances of a person sending a complete 1000 sms per day?...
lovers?..the normal couple would normally give and receive brief sms asking "how r you today?"..."good morning honey" etc... or if they tend to get mushy....how mushy can they get through 1000 short messages...or if it comes with naughty intentions....the foreplay would turn into orgasm after a few corny sentences....perhaps...with some value added afterplay even....sms quarrel?...yeah...a bit of word bombings and then time for reconcilation...all these in the form of sms?...nahh....still won't sum up to 1000....i think not...

so what are the outcome from the sms bundle craze?..i give you a few examples ...
since the day it was launched....
i received tonnes of sms....non-stop from 12 midnight onwards...
the content?....5% is of important matters.....10% silly questions out of nowhere....85% sms forwards containing stuffs like :

type 1:

"this week is MUPH week!(make ugly people happy). send this to all your ugly friends. I did my part by sending u this sms!..."

(okay....i get this the most....yes i know i'm born imperfect somehow...but i don't need a thousand sms to be aware of it...)

type 2:

"Thissmswassenttomakeublurandmakeyoureaduntilujulinganddizzyseeyourfacelookssofunny
whenyoutrytoreadyoulookreallysillysendthistoanyoneyoufelllikedisturbing"

(pun intended annoyance , those who created this really have the power to pause the global timing ya)

type3:

"a person like u is a gift, that paints a smile in my heart, it gives memories that will stay in me, not for a while, but for a lifetime.

(awww....how sweet...but are you sure you mean it?...or you're just trying to make ur sms bundle subscription worth a ringgit?)

to be honest...i tried this last week....but i don't think it's worth the value (since i'm not so fond of sms-ing people for no appropiate reason) ....sure rm1 is not much.....but if you do some calculations...say if we consider a standard rate of 10 cents per sms, to make sure the value of rm1 is all used up....we need to send out 10 sms per day...which is a normal count daily if all u do is reply sms from others(of course this applies to me)...so if all it takes is 10 sms before the midnight bell rings ...what happens with the remaining 990?..i have to do the typical sms whoring but i'm very positive that i would not be able to send out all 990...

i don't intend to include a research of time-consumed to do this sms shopping and spending frenzy ...i guess i'll just stick to free blogging bundle and wouldn't mind comments telling me i'm ugly....:D

Condolence

2006-04-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

This morning,
2 of my friends experienced the loss of a family member

konya : his grandmother
pinky/ilyana : her atuk

my condolences to them and their family...
semoga roh arwah diberkati Allah s.w.t

al-fatihah..

DURIAN RUNTUH!

2006-03-29T15:04:00.000+08:00

Hanya Mampu Tersengih

I got a surprise call from freescale again this morning....the last time was a dissapointment ...this time around ...it's an appointment....hehehehe....girangnye hatiku!

i suddenly feel like a clairvoyant who can see her near future....i see singapore , australia and bali....clearer...

Anti-Gravity Love Song

2006-03-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

muz...you gotta love this

hahah this is even shorter than my previous post.....i lURVEEEE html codings!

Personal Movie Bank Part. 1

2006-03-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

I just don't have the urge to write....
but i do have the urge to waste my time in between doing my work....

The Syndrome is Back Part. 2

2006-03-15T16:27:00.000+08:00

I'm back at that stage where i call myself a mass of mess
or ....someone would rather call me a dissertation journalist...:)

I know i'm stressed-out when :

I seldom blog....even if i do....i'll reply tags......or even if i do...i write about how busy i am....or my thesis progress....and i reply comments about how my thesis is killing me softly...
high-rise of food consumption...or at least...i need ~~a man~~ chocolate to soothe me daily
i started talking in programming language
i'll report my status on MSN/ YM status bar ...with a busy icon....
i sleep at wee hours doing my work....and wakes up early to continue then go to class...then when i come home...i'll get back on the work and the books...repeating the same thing....for a few days..and say...the 3rd day...my body gets so exhausted that i can even fall asleep while i'm driving...
I decline invitations for fun time and socializing
I don't get to go to the gym
I don't see much of my parents even on weekends...( i sometimes make myself do my thing in my parent's room )
I forget days and dates and time...
I have the higher urge to clean the room/wash the bathroom/cook or whatever to divert me from the stress
I started becoming disorganized and started losing things...like my dear planner...how can i be organized when i lose my planner?

all list in check list checked....yes..i'm all stressed out...

A Moment To Remember

2006-03-15T14:57:00.000+08:00

the title of a korean film i watched yesterday...
which i ended up in tears....
it's been a while since last cried from watching a movie (the last time was after watching final destination 3 at the cinema ...it was tears out of shock..during that scene...u know...ala u know....* i don't want to spoil it for those who haven't watch it)

it's an intense movie about a man dealing with his young wife with alzheimer disease...
although the vcd cover stated that it is a korean "fantasy" movie.....and as i was discussing with my housemate wether there is such person who would do such things (taking care of their partner in their sick/old days and sacrifice a lot of things along the way)....i automatically answered "ade"

i don't live in fantasy .... i live in reality which was brought upon me....some might call it "fate"....
as fate's best witness....having a mother with breast cancer and a father who's eaten up with old age....i do believe god is fair....knowing they're destined for each other ....
she has her support from all of us...but the person to be best responsible for all her courage is.. my dad...the one who not only shares the same bed...but also all her pain through the nights..

He's not afterall a perfect man...he had his flaws in the earlier days...he always have problems dealing with sick people before...he's an emotional person (which makes him a passionate man)....but my dad adapted really quick...and well.....
i guess this is what they call adaptation...
one has the potential of being that person....from the moment they were questioned/question themselves wether they're willing to adapt the consequences...and monologue their answer into a 'yes' or 'no'

i know about real stories of people who leaves their spouse after finding out they have a disease ....that is too...a reality.....who ever said it's always pretty...

More Than 13 Things...

2006-03-11T02:58:00.000+08:00

Zuhri...diharap anda berpuas hati...

bertique...anda akan kecewa kerana tiada perempuan dan entry yg pjg...hehehe

and pinky...i hope you're thankful to me for doing this for you as well..belanja aku ayam spicy McD...hehhee

cara baca...left to right..each row ;p

i'm sure you guys know what this is.......my life....
make-up bag...memang messy...i always have a hard time looking for tiny things
port perasan...cermin pinky yang sangat amat berguna untuk keperasanan
port jiwang.....my second hubby
erks....buku-buku yang tersusun rapi
port handbags..gabungan pinky dan saya...
port handphone...right beside MY side of the bed..senang jaga alarm hp..ritteeeee
anti-kepam....sangat berguna untuk menghilangkan bau-bauan dan menambahkan wangi-wangian
micro hi-fi...my second life ..enuff said

Koleksi tag-tag persembahan, event yang dihadiri, disertai...
Cd-cd yang berjasa untuk backup files from the computer...err..and downloaded stuffs...zuhri...ini bukan bisnes bajakan ye...sendiri membajak je..:P
Planner baru...courtesy of kak salmah....yeay!...but..recently..i lost my planner...huhuhuh...habis contact2 penting...adoilaaa...
pinky's..
mine
dvd boxsets, vcd series, ps2 games
PS2...i'm outdated..no psp, no ps3(belum keluar maa)..yg ni pun berhabuk tak sempat main
ermm..mostly pinky's
mostly mine..all mine indeed...hehehe..i know2....mmg pemalas basuh baju...kumpul 1 week..blk rumah subang baru basuh pakai machine..if u ask me why...i'll answer : "because i can"...nuff said

this is not my life...but i cannot live without it...so canne?
this one...saves my life over approximately 7 days of bleeding without dying
pinky's goggle and my swimmingcap
ahh...of course...if i'm done with playing guitar...i'll just let Jack Johnson and the rest soothe my ears....
Nina's Pandora's Box....important stuffs in here..don't ask ..
emm..not much contribution to my daily life...but time2 assignment dateline...rakan sejati
kotak zebra yg dibeli khas untuk dipadankan dgn corak carpet..
fancy files.. and certificates....
hmmm...painting of me...courtesy of milx

FINALLY

2006-03-09T11:17:00.000+08:00

I'm officially a certified gamelan instructor after a year leap of training(2 years instead of 3)....i hereby congratulate myself for this self-achievement :D....

I've handed-down my post as the Vice President of The Club ....finally ...a big relieve... i can now concentrate on my final fight for graduation....

I will certainly miss all the things i've gone through...the people i've encountered...throughout my involvement....and thankful for all the experience i've gained...

So ...the purpose of posting this up?....i dunno..perhaps anyone would want to hire me as a trainer?....hahaha self promoting myself plak....

ituje la nak cerita...takde bende nak cerita....hehehe

7 Dosa Tahap Maut - 7 Deadly Sins?

2006-03-07T00:12:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Zuhri

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Answer these questions:-

1. greed - what luxury item did you last buy?
hp notebook

2. gluttony - what is your favorite food?
at the moment...tom yam at bbb tom yam inn bangi...and...tosai paper!

3. wrath - what makes you angry?
people who are way off the ground...and no respect to people ESPECIALLY to someone older..

4. sloth - when are you at your laziest?
home ...subang..home....

5. envy - what brings the green-eyed monster in you?
people with no problems...ehh tak logic....people with less problems..hehehe

6. lust - what / who do you lust after?
what :D...9 lusts people 9 lusts....who....ermmm more than 9 people more than 9...

7. pride - what are you most proud of?
sense of art without having any talents in art

saya dengan ini menisytiharkan telah menjalankan kewajipan menjawab tag zuhri....
no tagging for today...:D

Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.

2006-03-03T00:55:00.000+08:00

Series of Sexual Harassments

2006-02-26T01:47:00.000+08:00

EXHIBITIONIST

note that this is not the term for a person who handles an exhibition booth

taken from Dictionary.com

ex·hi·bi·tion·ism
1. The act or practice of deliberately behaving so as to attract attention.
2. Psychiatry. A psychosexual disorder marked by the compulsive exposure of the genitals in public.

Inspired by miss iris's latest entry....i began to refresh back my encounters with exhibitionist or known as flasher...

as we were discussing over a brief lunch previously about our experience bumping into a flasher/incidents ...i was surprised iris had never had an encounter...nora had one.....
and me...unluckily i had more than 5 cases.....

first case :
when i was in primary...walking to Kelly's house....near this park where i'm staying known as "Padang Asam" ...i heard somebody calling...and when i turned to look...this middle aged man was cheerfully waving at me with one hand...and the other hand busy stroking and flashing his dick!...i ran as fast as i could to Kelly's house and told her in heavy panting

second case:
somewhat similar to the first one...the only difference is that it happens infront of me and some other friends having an evening chill out at some park....and the dude didn't exactly called us...i accidentally saw him through the bushes....wanking...

third case:
alone again this time around....walking infront of the primary school opposite my house...a car suddenly stopped by infront of me...he unzipped his pants and flashed to me...i pretended i wasn't looking and walked as fast as i could....

fourth case:
by far the worst.....i got into a crampy bus with gee after hours of waiting....as we were in..i was clinging to the pole...infront of me there was this dude ....around 5 mins after the bus moved...he sneakily pinched my breast and gave me an innocently-filthy smile!...i was like "WTF?!!!!!".....silently screaming to myself.......
believe me..i wanted SOooooo much to scream and make the bus driver stop and force him to leave ...instead i just gave him a sharp anger content of stare and turned around...and hinting gee to get out on the very next stop without telling her...she was confused..but obeyed...we finally took a cab ride home...

fifth case:
sunway lagoon.....the public pool....nearby was 3 men ...at first staring and smiling...the next thing i know...one of their filthy legs were between my crotch!...f**cker.....when i looked ...they were still smiling....and again i couldn't scream...literally feeling like my tongue was tied...i just went to another spot...

sixth case:
i got myself a part time job before entering uni...at a retail...selling shoes mostly...but i'm in kidswear section....on the very FIRST day of job....3 men was deliberately looking for kids underwear asking me for certain sizes....and finally asking me questions like "what size r you wearing?".....this time around...i threatened him to leave before i call the guard who's standing nearby....

7th and ongoing cases:
As much as my housemates and I enjoy swimming at our condo pool....we notice the guys too enjoy watching....okay...fine....i too sometimes look at other people swimming from my floor....just to ease the eyes not lebey2....but there's an incident where we notice being secretly watched from behind windows....lama...and when we look back(kasi diorang malu..sebab kantoi)...they don't have a single bit of urge to stop watching(ewah ewah...melancap ke?...)....
even worst just recently....when i was swimming..i notice 2 guys from top floor holding a video cam .....if i want to be denial...yeah...they were just trying to record the scenery...tgk people from the next block punya ampaian...and what not.....ambik la ambik....

ni tak masuk lagi kes2 telefon2 lucah.....ish...

Mental-Muz quoted :

"There will always be suckers around who'll be looking for free/cheap fcuk. Dalam analogi Wongahbeng, mereka adalah spesis kumbang yg takkan mati walaupun diracun dgn racun serangga yg CikPMS usung kemana-mana tu"

the point is....if you have sisters/daughters/friends/girfriends/wives...tell them to beware when they go around...especially young girls as they are prone to these kind of harassments...as these freaks take them as an easy prey....
if they do encounter these kind of things...they should leave some kind of remark such as screaming or reporting to people nearby...show these suckers they can't get away with things as such...and hopefully wouldn't repeat the same thing to other girls....

itu sahaja pesanan dari saya...mangsa gangguan seksual yang telah berubah dari seorang pejalan kaki/penumpang bas/teksi kepada seorang pembawa/pembonceng kereta...if it occurs to me now as it did before...(kalau dlm kereta) ...i would ram into those freaks....pasti mati(tips utk muz)...:P...

Counting Down.....

2006-02-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

tagged by zuhri...

10 FIRSTS
first best friend: marrie anne...primary school
first item you stole: colour pencils (cikgu punya)...hahaha
first pet: cat - along (when i was in sabah)
first piercing: ears
first school: st. francis convent, K.K Sabah
first house location: *garuk kepala...sabah again..taman milek
first crush: some guy name amir...in primary
first kiss: i don't kiss and tell..hehehe
first car: wira aeroback

9 LASTS
last time you smoked: a few months back...this does not make me a smoker..saje puff2
last food you ate: maggi mee
last movie you watched on dvd at home: memoirs of geisha
last movie you watched at the cinema: mean creek
last text message: syafiq "ukm takde air..terpaksa merempat mandi tpt lain"
last music video u saw: erkk..the ones at karaoke counts?
last song you listened to: laskar cinta - dewa 19
last words you said: sakit peruttttt....

8 HAVE-YOU-EVERS
dated a best friend: no
been arrested: no
been on TV: almost..so..no
eaten sushi: yes
cheated on your BF/GF: yes
been on a blind date: yes
been out of the country: yes
been in love: yes

7 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING
1. a one piece dress..
2. undergarments...
3. not enough
4. not appliclable laa
5.
6.
7.

6 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY
1. class
2. makan
3. tido
4. swim..k.i.v..main yahoo pool
5. updating thesis...k.i.v
6. reply comments on my blog

5 FAVORITE THINGS
1. notebook and streamyx
2. camera
3. hp
4. micro hifi
5. ps2

4 PEOPLE YOU TRUST THE MOST
1. family
2. gee, jaja, nuren, rini
3. myself
4. housemates...at least if i stink or gain a few kilos...they would honestly tell me..hehehe kan?

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. yes..mcm zuhri..pergi menunaikan haji
2. travel around the world....if i could choose only one...venice ..during carnevale
3. complete some things left unsaid/undone

2 CHOICES
vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
rock or rap: rock

1 PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?
myself in 10 years time or myself 13 years back

i'm tagging the following people :

1. pinky
2. mellifluousz
3. jilly-centric
4. muz
5. betik

Sneak Peak Through My Bag You Paparazzis!

2006-02-20T20:09:00.000+08:00

Tagged by Kinky Angel!

here goes....if Cik PMS punya walls pink colour....err...the pink quilt cover isn't mine.....courtesy of cik fiza for allowing me to pinjam her bed to take this photo.....since that sneaky cik kinky had already use our bed.....

4 essential things i carry around

My car keys....plus the gate remote control ...that's why it's sooo bulky!
Handphone/s ...u can see one...sayup2.....handphone cilok mak punya...another one..my own phone?....ade...i taruk...di celah2 mekap.....handphone buruk yang keji...handphone ku yg canggih hilang tah mane...janji the callers meletup2...hahaha...termasuk la....annoying calls/msgs...and sex maniacs : call and not saying a word..just hembus nafas kuat...ape hal lu?...need inhaler is it?...plus and minus indon sesat.....
condo key...anybody wants to duplicate?....
of course...my wallet...oleh kerana brand meletup...terpaksa tutup2......everything in there..ic pendatang....lesen yg selalu tamat tempoh tanpa disedari...guitar plectrum..card2 ...money?...now u see it now you don't..sudung(subang hidung) time lubang tak terkambus lagi...

The Rest of the List :

Camera digital ku..the one on display dah tak boleh harap..battery mampos je...the one yg boleh harap...am using it to take this picture...
sampah sarap...tiket pgl tu termasuk la...trainee card freescale masih ada...boleh pergi buat lawatan sukarela bila2 masa...sarung ang pow pun masih ada...isi je takde
jam tgn takde battery
make-ups estee yang beli untuk mak...tapi diri sendiri lenjan...i know...bertuah punya anak!

Okay...okay..before kinky and iris leaves any mean comments about me cheating on this one...i'm spilling it off...yes...I cheated....why on earth would i bring all of those stuffs altogether in my bag?....but these are the common combination....kire cekau je apa yang patut...

dah dah...i nak tido...i berniat untuk tidak ke kelas esok pagi...kerana sgt-sgt tak larat....tapi bende yang selalu dirancang dgn awal takkan jadi....
so meaning i'll be going to class kan tommorow?

jawapannyer...tungguuuuuuuuu!

Understanding Life Through a Child's Eye

2006-02-16T11:01:00.000+08:00

I remember one scene from the movie "face/off" , the part where caster troy's(nicholas cage) house was raided by the FBI .....at gun-shooting fights, the director john woo was projecting the scene of a little boy... ears covered in headphone to an old song which goes.. - "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" by Arlen Harburg
one of the best cinematography i've ever seen in a movie ....
the director was trying to show the incident through the boy's view....
u have to watch it to understand...

How does a child view the basic concept of life?

LOVE

....i was watching "Love Actually" on astro yesterday ...there was a scene of a dad and his son....conversing about love...dad was surprised to learn his son admitted he had just fallen in love.....and he said.."it's impossible....you couldn't possibly know what love is"

It's not a new thing we hear in primary schools...where a boy/girl confess that they like someone..."kite suke la kat awak"....."suke" might not be as strong as "love".....but looking at the basic concept ....love is too about attraction.....so they probably do understand love ...more than they understand hurt/pain/rejection....being kids..so pure and honest...they choose to just tell out their feelings without thinking of consequences being rejected or mocked by the other party......
or..probably they do understand pain/hurt....if so they choose not to tell the girl/boy that they like them....they will keep on feeling those rush inside...and to them...that might be painful or hurtful?
naturally kids strive for love from their parents and family....
the older we grow the more we tend to hide what's inside of mind..what's inside of heart

BEAUTY

i once watched a documentary on how children decipher beauty..a test was run on a toddler where 2 pictures of respectively a pretty woman and a not-so-pretty woman was displayed, the child seems to draw his attention more on the prettier woman ..just like adults....even a toddler can come attracted to beauty ...
but if you try to approach kids...and they don't like you..jangan la terasa plak nooooo....it could just be your body odour....
*kids love me...echeh!...hahaha

ROLEPLAYING

little girls child's play would usually be the typical "main masak-masak" or "main kawen-kawen" or "main make-up make-up"....generally the things that they are bounded to be stucked with when they grow old.....
while little boys immitates every being of heroic characters they ever come across with...."captain planet" , "gaban" , "kesatria baja hitam" , "spiderman" , "batman"...tak pernah pulak terdengar ade budak nak jadi "sin chan" or "doraemon" or any weaker character.....
the point is....boys role always revolves around becoming a hero , becoming the man, the person who takes charge of things, and the girls always want security, self-esteem, to be taken care of, needs a hero to protect them...ironic to see life's design which was naturally brought upon us...what's the point of defying?

SEXUALITY

A rather sensitive issue for some....adults always tend to protect kids from being exposed to sexual-related contents...they do not realize that kids are exposed or learning to decipher sex even at home ...well-protected and filtered from outside material ...and the word sex is a 'taboo' and forbidden...

but sooner or later it will come to them eventually..only we do not know where and how they will first encounter sexual knowledge....in school?...from friends?....porns?...why look for answers outside when things are building up around the home itself....for instance ....displays of affection between husband and wife...touching...and kissing ...and intimacy ...in our community ...do we regularly see this happening in family institutions?.....most couple would say "not infront of the kids"....we might not think the kids will decipher this as sexually as we do(this explains why couples refuse P.D.A)...but don't you think the kids will decipher that intimacy happens only between a MAN and a WOMAN....

let's just say...our son watches porn with his friend...and it happens to be a gay porn....it's his first sexual exposure....it could be confusing and stimulating at the same time ....do you think it'll end there?...won't he be fantasizing later on for who knows what his fantasy would turn out to be like? .....so the informal sex education helps people...

DREAMS

"que sera sera...whatever we'll be we'll be"....
i've heared lots of different answers when a child was asked about their ambition....
a BOY said he wanted to become a stewardess - a woman flight attendant
my little cousin said his option is between a lorry driver and a doctor...
i myself have only heard of few job options which is commonly...doctors, engineers, lawyers, scientist....
i wanted to become a doctor...and then it was a scientist :first to invent cure and antidote for AIDS ...and then astronaut....to be the first to pass through "black-hole"...and a few other ideas which crosses between fantasy and reality...i will not mention all of it here...up until now...it still changes according to my latest and current passion....
if i were to choose....i would want to stay a bummer and a dreamer....
a child has that luxury....to dream...to fantasize ...to think outside of boundary....to be imaginative...creative.....kids scribble and paint wherever they can....on the walls....on papers...on notebooks....
they are drawn to colours....and playground......
they play toy guitars... air-guitars....and they're rock stars one day and they're a superhero another day....in video games ....they can become many different characters
but there will come a point where grown-ups will interfere and say..."stop dreaming..it's not real....get back to your books and study and do your homeworks....if not, you'll get a scolding from your teacher".....
there will come a point where we really do stop dreaming ....and focus....

HUMILIATION

If a kid falls down and trip infront of you or a number of people...don't stare, gag, scream or panic ....act like nothing happened...because they will first pause and look around them....to see our reaction...if you act like you care....they'll start on a small cry ...and later burst out crying like hell...if you just act cool....they will get up ....and then start playing again...
perhaps they understand humiliation more than they understand pain don't they?...:)
saje manje..ngade2...nak attention orang besar je tu....
but of course..if you see wounds or blood on them....panic like you are about to be washed away by tsunami OK....do not act cool ....do not try those at home...!
and do not come about blaming me for the tips....:)

i can't believe i wrote this long.....there will always be more....
i'm no expert in these matter..just a matter of personal opinions and on how i perceive how it would be for a child to understand life ....surely they have a loooonnngg way to go....

Studio Gamelan Slendro : New Look

2006-02-15T13:14:00.000+08:00

Goodbye the dull and pale look of the old gamelan studio....
although the new one doesn't look any close to a make-over by casa impian...but OK la....penat siot cat bilik...cat alat lagi...

Pening-Pening Lalat

2006-02-15T11:47:00.000+08:00

yes...i can't think of other title ....so i decided just to write what i literally feel.....
pening-pening lalat....just woke up ....(i slept really late last night)...why do i have to mention that?... :)

Previously on MSN messenger :
scenario - status war

after a series of status bombing......

lyaxiyr - "you're being irrational at 3 a.m in the morning"

aynxiyn - "i don't think a BOY really understand what irrational means"

lyaxiyr - "the BOY you gave your heart to?"

WTF?!!!!!.....i'm just gonna stop right there....it pisses me off even more than it already has....
first of all i couldn't believe i got myself tagging along the immature act of status war...(which then later i pm him)....to no avail of peace...
i wish i could just stop and draw my focus back on reading my notes for tommorow's exam...but i was just so disturbed ...."the BOY i gave my heart to?" monologuing or i'm just simply losing it.....
the real question is..."when did i ever give my heart to you?" not you...not anybody as far as i'm deliberately concern......
it's as though he's having an "imaginary relationship" with me...as the words described by iris...

it ended with 2 international calls on my cellphone which i refuse to pick up

....would it make me more rational if i were to pick up his calls?..and then what?...

i rather be irrational than daydreaming about something that never ever happened...

Puteri Gunung Ledang

2006-02-09T03:12:00.000+08:00

I'm divided between saying it's a good show or just another seemingly hot stuff paid through electronic media ......

the opening was splendid.....i was stunned by Ac Mizal's opening appearance..and his voice...and the contemporary ethnic Music....the dancers..the settings...the props...it was all so lively and lovely...
but throughout the play....i got very dissapointed by mainly.... the songs....it was all so western..so broadway-like....i could even stop and think wether am i in the wrong set of play?...was this suppose to be "sound of music" musical?..or pocahontas or something?...

i didn't step foot into istana budaya last night with an expectation...i didn't expect it to be traditional nor modern.....i was just ready to be sunked into the moment where there is just the tale and the ambience and the music that plays the role...not the actors...not the audience

Perhaps they wanted to diverge slightly away from the classic genre ...and the ideal plan is to modernize the songs so people wouldn't yawn halfway through...but come to think of it....the reason why people came(if i may speak so in general) is to actually see a CLASSIC musical theatre...if they're looking for something western....why even bother to come?

stephen rahman became an issue before the play started...many have questioned his ability to play the role of Laksamana Hang Tuah...well...he tried....but trying and genuine is certainly a different concept...but he gets the credit for his singing....i know now why he was selected...but boils back down to the song issue...stephen certainly have the voice for western broadway music...so ...this was not much of a difficult task for him...it got me thinking..did they purposely arrange the music so that it would fit him in the limelight?...

well...aside from those...AC Mizal deserved the big round of applause during the cast line up ..for his brilliant performance...he moved from singing to gerak khas to screen acting....and his final stop in theatre has certainly proven the best
achievement throughout his career chronology....well...tiara...remains tiara...i think she have invested and devoted herself for something she really has the passion for...i have to say..it pays off....to the very least of her own satisfaction...i would want to become her...rich enough to buy a boat to carry her dreams...:)

it was worth the rm30 (student discounted price..with the seat behind the VIP grand circle..hehe)..but if i were to pay more....i'd request for different song line up...hehehe...(suke hati je..buat teater sendiri lar horr?)

On the verge of Quitting

2006-02-09T03:01:00.000+08:00

dang people...i still haven't got the time to get the comment box problem fixed....
it's just a hectic week...i couldn't be bothered....
err...try commenting on this particular post people?...

dear bloggers...miss all of you....

Get Busy or Die Trying

2006-02-01T14:31:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year for those who are celebrating....
I enjoy the fact that the roads around klang valley is clearer than ever...but despise the fact that the shops are mostly closed....it's a weird view...for all this while, having adapted to a rush-hour surrounding...where people walk in fast pace...and cars everywhere

anyways..i've been pretty caught up with a few things that left me with very little time to do the usual blogging or 'updating' as most of you refer here..:) yes you can say i'm taking a holiday break...bertique is off to BALI so no updates, Wong Ah Beng is missing in action...perhaps he got hit by a car somehwere...have anybody seen his body?...or debris?...we ought to have a proper funeral for him ...and the rest of the fellow bloggers i guess you guys are enjoying the holiday eh...

i watched BULI BALIK.. a supposedly cancelled plan since ramai balik kampung ..but we decided to just gamble ....as expected..it was ENTERTAINING....the usual Afdlin Shauki and friends work..his very own words are best to describe the movie "i enjoy a good laugh, and sometimes enjoy a good cry"..a simple plot with a profound message about self-esteem, revenge, inferiority complex and some hidden message of sensitive issues...in a decoy of humour...all in all it was a good wrap..but many is convinced there will be a sequel

I went to an Art Exhibition at TAKSU Art Gallery..upon invitation by rini who works there....enjoyed the evening looking and interpreting paintings (i wish i could bring home at least one but it's just too freaking expensive OK)..hehehe...got to meet Saiful Razman and the other artists in person..

a unique work of art by Ahmad Zakii Anwar ..shoes as representing a new steps for genuine work of art.."stepping out of plagiarism"

Last weekend's gamelan show was just a mere luck for us...one generous Dato' tipped us and willing to sponsor our new show attire and this uncle who's working with astro promised us an interview session for some slots in astro ria...(he came to our next show the next day...with his crews)..i declined the show though...for wanting to go to my friend's house warming , meeting old friend's who are engaged here and there (Nuras dah kene risik with Kai, and Zulfa is engaged)....but it's okay..i tak gila glamour...hehe

zarin,me,zulfa,nuras,naf

Went to driving range yesterday..i need not say more about how i play..let's just say i have had a moment of Beginner's Luck....

Btw, if you're wondering why i've been busy lately , aside from the busy daytime business....i'm occupied with my night time business ...no no..i'm not soliciting OK!..:)....i've been addicted to my net marketing thingy ...am doing quite okay...fishing for big prospects...ehehe...

coming up on plan, PGL theatre on the 7th and rock climbing ( i voluntereed myself as a photographer to my friends, since i am simply not so fond of heights man! )..me don't have strong arms to carry myself upwards....i prefer being carried by some strong arms instead *wink....hehehe ;P

fiuh...long adjourned blogging resulted to a tiring long update....sorry if this dissapoints all of you..i don't have hot stories...I am writing these so i won't forget where i've been and what i've done..:)

next stop...
updating thesis in the twighlight zone

Series Of LITTLE things Part. 1

2006-01-22T15:17:00.000+08:00

How to eat Munchini Giga Bites with the most interesting way:

1.Get Munchini Giga Bites at your nearest local store...7-E pun jadi

2.Pastikan bentuk munchini adalah sempurna...dan luar biasa BAIK!

3.Kemudian Sedut...sedut dengan sepenuh hati sampai ada perasaan nak terkincit...
plus point if you do it with style..for non-smokers...this is the time to get the feel of smoking ciggies...
*perhatian..jangan sedut terlampau kuat...you don't wanna choke on chocolate cream..

4.Inilah hasil nya

courtesy to Cik Pinky for the tips...

Ada Apa Dengan Rupa?

2006-01-20T12:45:00.000+08:00

kalau cik pinky berfalsafah "what's in a name?"...or translated "ada apa dengan nama?"...

i'm going to be philosophical on this "What the hell is wrong with my face?"...
i'm experiencing something odd the previous week...not to mention the mood swing...
but something else in particular..

i seriously think there's something wrong with my face..or my gestures..or my facial expressions somewhere...
like that one time in class....my lecturer (he's known for noticing the students gestures and never fails in making a statement about it infront of the whole class)...example...if somebody sleeps or yawn...he'll spill it to the class....*he used to comment my nose piercing in front of my friends
so at that time..i wasn't sleeping..i was looking at his note slides...(but yes i wasn't concentrating..but i tried really hard to pretend ..i'm convinced that i failed)....he then ask me questions.....at the end of the class....i was rushing to go out..he stopped me...

"fazlina boleh tolong saya"...nervous...."tolong padam white board"...and while i was at it...he was standing next to me watching...and asked.."macam mana tadi...boleh faham penggunaan dia"...i nod...

at gym...the instructors look at me and ask "are you okay?". ...this happens quite a few times...different instructors.....now that's pretty odd...I'm not a first timer ....i'm following their steps pretty well...

do i look :
blur?
exhausted?
got pimple?
pretty?..."chantik ke kau!"
chilly stuck in between the teeth?...
vain?
too flat?
too fat?
just got out of bed?
busuk?

i don't know...tell me friends who sees me on daily basis...

Tergolek

2006-01-19T21:33:00.000+08:00

Argghhh.....
"i'm late ..i'm late !"......
i was studying wee hours for today's small test(padan muke...before that rilek2..tgk desperate housewives...sembang2)....and it resulted me waking up late....
but heck...i rushed like thunder....didn't have anything to wear...tak sempat nak iron..nasib baik cik pinky ade...
"hey..pinjam baju"...what are roommates for right?....nasib baik underwear ader...kalau takde..baik tak pakai dari pinjam cik pinky punya...hehe
while waiting for the apartment lift...i can see through the window..the only road out from our housing area...."damn....byk nye kereta..dah la traffic light lembab"....
"terlepas kuiz la aku ni".....
okay..traffic light dah lepas...what next?.....yes....jalan ni mmg terkenal dgn kereta yg bwk lembab sgt....i'm NOT KIDDING.....30..40 km/h ...i can see from behind (since i main cucuk2..just a little push for them to cepat sikit)...that the drivers are always sight-seeing..pandang kiri...pandang kanan....tak tau ape diorang pandang..kiri kanan takde ape pun wei!....jalan bengkak bengkok..and always busy..so nak potong ..mmg susah la...plus...if you do that...the cars infront will look at you like a felon..."bawak kereta macam jin aprit!"...probably what they're thinking...
berhemah?...sudah lar...it's drive SAFELY ..not drive SLOWLY.....
sampai kat parking....rupanya ramai(classmates) yg sampai lambat..haha...suke aku....sampai kelas.the .lecturer gives one sarcastic remark...10 mins more...you people came late..."whatever"...
quiz?..ntah ape2 aku jawab...hehehe....

head back to subang....went lunch with dear gee...hearing her accident story...pitty...but she's alright...then we went to Maybank...i wanted to open up a new account...isi2 borang (byk nye kene isi....siap tanye hobbies and interest lagi...what?...this is not a dating service centre isn't it)....pastu dah duduk kat mamat maybank ni...he's clearly a drag outside (since he's wearing a wig to work)....baik la tapi..

then he was telling me about this new policy of maybank..saying that they are trying to know they're customer's background..cut to the chase..i was asked for a student card...i said i didn't have them right now...(misplaced lepas last sem's exam)...so he said ."takpe...we have this appointment base in dealing with customers"..then i said..i'm free tommorow..i can bring you the uni offer letter....he opened his appointment log book..."i can set you for an appointment on 16/2" ..i was like...WHAT?!!!! ....like a month from now!!!....i only have to show them the offer letter....and it takes that long?...i asked wether i can fax it or something..he said they have to see the originals...then ...i said again..."all i need to do is show you the offer letter...can i just do it on walk-in terms"...he said tak boleh...because walk-in sometimes will cause overloaded cases...
*sigh*....

aduh...i mean if we just twist the situation a bit...let's say i do have my student cards with me....the consequence is ..i settle quarter of the day with a maybank account already...and yet...now..i have to wait for a whole freaking month?....

today feels like ...tergolek kat tangga....

Crave for Food

2006-01-19T00:18:00.000+08:00

I was all in the mood for crash diet until i received a forwarded email from a friend of these series of disturbing pictures ...which actually makes me change my perception on overdoing food resents.....cherish god's gift of food leisure my dear friends.....too much and too little kills....

i hope the text is not too small for reading....

Lifetime Readjustment

2006-01-17T03:53:00.000+08:00

trying hard to go to class everyday....
i know...i sound like a lower class non-eager student....well indeed maybe i am....
it's just getting worst.....i can hardly find any motivation....yes it's my last semester...and?
most of my classmates are the smart-elitist-students ...i don't pretty much care...never seems to bother or either motivate me throughout the years.....
i just don't understand those average ones....who thinks they're better off...and merely making a statement like "i'm on top of the world".....i don't care...i no longer have the mood to deal with low-lives....

keeping the gamelan club moving again (there has been a long pause since lecture days begin....and we haven't started with our usual gamelan practices on friday....and i have sensed some background complaints)......yes....that's is almost everything they're capable of...complaining....gossiping....

i practically hate where i am...what i do...my immediate surrounding .....

i've been having goosebumps lately..i'm not sure what's keeping me in that mode...only that mom's been complaining about her aching right arms (the side where she had her breast removed)....and it's worrying me a lot.....and ....today..my best friend got into an accident...but she's physically okay.......

everything's just not right.....

The Journey Into the Twilight Zone

2006-01-16T00:34:00.000+08:00

"You're travelling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination - Next stop, twilight zone!"

One of the things that have kept me busy for a while...in case you're wondering...hehehe...eversince i got hold of the 2 series dvd boxset (courtesy of Jameel)...one : old version which comes in black and white series (the original of the creator Rod Serling)...and the brand new season..coloured of course....i'm just glued watching from one to next....

this used to be my obsession when i was little ....i remember of those other .."Tales from the Crypt", "The Amazing Stories" , "Nightmare on Elm Street"....are those fictions that have taught me world without boundaries : imagination....

Just last night...i fell asleep while watching the DVD....i had nightmares about being chased by a lady killer...it felt so real....when i snapped out of sleep....the creepy music from the DVD root menu was playing loud.....shit...i really need to get back into the journey of only sight and sound.....

Water Therapy!

2006-01-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

ahh refreshing......from this week on...

monday : gym
tuesday : badminton
wednesday : swimming
thursday to sunday : gym

i'm back on track...

An Unexpected Apology to Greet 2006

2006-01-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

I received a call from my ex....
not the one i always mentioned in my previous posts(the one that turns my life upside-down)..
the other one....

anyways..the reason he called was to catch up on things ...asking how i am and stuffs...
i asked wether he's seeing someone ....and he said he hasn't been seeing anyone since me...

"i think you cursed me.."...he laughs......

no i did not curse you.....

maybe it's not your time yet.....there's a silver-lining for all that happens...
I'm sorry you lost your dad (due to heart-attack in september 2005)...
i remember getting scolded by "arwah" for calling you up in the middle of the night...:)
i personally think he's a righteous man ....a man of wisdom and principes...
may he rest in peace....

before he ended the conversation...he apologized for all that happened back then....when things didn't work out between us....
it didn't give a big impact on me though i appreciate his apologies...

i really hope things will go smooth in your life...your studies...your career....

Happy New Year

2005-12-31T02:08:00.000+08:00

I just completed my last event with Generasi Gemilang group....Alhamdulillah it was a success...
a 3 days 2 nights camp.....i'm telling you it was so..so ...tiring...
the "compass gila" activity really put a test to my physical and mental energy...i think i almost passed out....we were required to walk up and down the hill to look for certain check points...and return back to report....there were 5 check points all together...so just imagine walking in the mids of night...pitch black...with the help of a few torch lights...and nothing else....it was pretty creepy.....

I'm not kidding...it was really exhausting....

and the next morning...we had to go for jungle trekking.....and not to forget the "obstacles track".....arghhhh....but i'm so satisfied....i went through everything...i'm not so much of the wild-life-sporty type.....it's all about challenging myself....

the closing night....i participated in the "opening act" for the "culture night".....i acted in a short play....it's been a while since i last act..i guess i still have "it"..:)

I am now peacefully resting at home....having a mild sore throat...and pretty convinced i'd fall sick in a few hours more....

Today was a nice day out...shopping....i haven't done this for quite sometime....

and at night...i went to Istana Budaya, to watch this musical composition of fusion between traditional and modern instruments called "Paluan Nakasari".....of course...they have a touch of my favourite traditional music "gamelan",and a lot of percussion....some cak lempong, some angklung...interesting combination i must say...

new year resolution....will remain a mystery.....

i won't be partying this year...i'm falling sick.....cancelled the party plan....but i'll be going to ...erhm erhmmm..peter pan concert....just to patch up the last show i missed......from next year on...i'm planning to go to more and more art, musical, theatrical shows around......perhaps participate in theatre group or something..........

a pretty good wrap up for the year 2005.....

welcome 2006

Money Money Money Money!

2005-12-20T22:35:00.000+08:00

singing to The Apprentice theme song...
i got a call from freescale semiconductor this evening...I didn't actually get to pick up the phone...thanks to my stupid phone ...it went off dead ....
but i know what it's about...*smiling widely*....
my cheque is ready.....
yeay.....although sometimes i do feel empty...atleast i know i'll no longer be dry...
good day people!

The Fairytale of The Face,The Ghost and Cruella De Vil

2005-12-20T20:37:00.000+08:00

The Face

is a proud man
is fond of Cruella De Vil who lives in another country
he does every approach to hint her about his feelings...
ever so trying to impress her....
he would travel miles away just to see her...
would send the singing bird just to hear her...

Cruella De Vil

Cruella De Vil do not know why she is evil
It's not easy being Cruella De Vil...she has many enemies...she sees everyone as her enemy beforehand...she has to be mean so that she won't be loved..therefore she won't love..and thus she will never get hurt....and if she's never hurt...she won't hurt others too...
Cruella De Vil do not know why she was born evil....

She sees The Face as Boy...when all she ever wanted was a Man...to tone her evilness down
Cruella De Vil strongly believes there's a difference between "a Man who tries to impress" and
"a Man who just takes your breath"
she chosed the latter...even so it means taking her breath out of "LOVE" or out of "DEATH"
she takes The Face's steps of approach as being persistent...the one quality that she despise

The Face

He could not longer stand her mental challenge...her subtle verbal attacks...her evil spells
He backed out.....
Cruella De Vil had had her victory....
He was never to be seen or heard again....

The Ghost

He came out of nowhere..whispering from the woods....appearing in her dreams once in a while
His face was covered with golden mask....his words are made to bind her evil spirits..
He Promised that someday truth will reunite them...but he's always worried truth will hurt Cruella De Vil...and she said...nothing is sure but LOVE and DEATH
Cruella De Vil smiled ...as no one can ever remember seeing her smile

then one day...The Ghost was challenged by Cruella De Vil with tricky questions.....and to her deadly surprise...it hits her that The Ghost is actually the same person as The Face is..
Cruella De Vil is just helplessly furious....she felt deceited when she's not even being lied to....just to prove her right when she said he was persistent...when he was The Face...he clearly knows things were going nowhere...and so ...he came out with this whole idea of a mystery man..to get close to her...how more persistent can he be?...he claimed that Cruella De Vil stereotyped The Face...and that if he did not approach her as The Ghost....she will never see the other side of him...Cruella thinks the other way round...if she were to like him as he is...it'll be his every goods
and every flaws altogether as who he is......she will never settle for liking the half of him mysteriously...and the other half is just history...and so she said to him..before the truth brings disaster to things....she decided that she didn't want the truth...she didn't want to be united...and so he left...and as he did....it was "death" for The Face..and The Ghost

ILLUSION

2005-12-20T19:52:00.000+08:00

credit to MILX for the painting

New Resolution Before the Eve of New Year

2005-12-20T19:16:00.000+08:00

i lied...i don't have a new year resolution..or yet

i watched chronicles of narnia...i don't give much of a good movie review...but fairly saying that Narnia is not like the best fantasy movie ever...but as all fantasy movies always get away with things...they can suck and bloom out of absurdity....the war scenes are far from the normal epic where the leader gives a "war spirit speech" before instructing their first attack(this one usually makes me cry..like..."waahhhh"!!!!high spirited)...
....indeed the kid just waved his sword...*sigh*...the "kid" surely gets away with it because he's just a KID
...i still remember the excitement when i watched "neverending story" back then...was it because it was really a good movie...or was it because of my age...the age where i began to mix fantasy and reality....where "atreyu" is like the pure hearthrobe who saves the day....

it's the school holiday..and the year end...a lot of movie are out...i hardly get to watch all of them..just look at 'em crowds at cinemas...

Psycho Instant Messenger

2005-12-13T04:48:00.000+08:00

"good night all the BITCHES in the world"

i received this message through YM messenger from someone in my list...yes...someone i consider a new friend...

at first..he was all this very helpful person who has a high passion in scuba diving...(i'm planning on taking up scuba diving lessons soon that i decided it'll be good if i could get some opinions and verbal lessons from someone with experience)...

and then one day i received that kind of treatment from him...like ..whut the fuck did i do?....i think my only crime was ignoring him when he's online..while i'm not even at my desk..sometimes i forgot to turn on that "stepped out" or "busy"..."be right back" mode....come on la weh...i'm online most of the time...but it doesn't mean that i'm literally glued infront of my pc dok layan people on messenger except you ....i could ignore anybody who buzzez me while i'm at the loo entertaining nature calls....senang citer...tgh sedap berak ...
so is it reasonable to get pissed?....gawd you're behaving like my ex..which explains partly why he's my ex...

some of the times...i put myself on "away" mode...but i'm actually online..doing some work...replying mails...surfing ...and reading blogs...or blogging...be whatever it may....isn't it obvious that i don't wanna be disturbed...well yes..i'm the fool...if i do not want to be disturbed...why log in to messenger?...why not just log off...or appear offline?...then what's the solely right purpose of "away" mode...if i'm really away...why not just log off from the computer and save myself a lot of electricity bills...suka hati la kan?...do i not have the choice of when and who i wanna talk to?...

gile la...why do i sound so pissed off?...i'm actually chillin...

i learned my lesson...which is to stick to surfing on the net about scuba lessons and centres around town...and befriend www.padi.com...

Sorry i Can't Relate....

2005-12-13T03:36:00.000+08:00

"shit...i really need to go out and do something"...self monologing after days of wasted hours at home(casa villa-my*ouh*so*cool rental house)...
yeah we had fun talking and dancing...cooking and singing.....but i suppose i've had enough talking and singing and flirting...and all the "INGs" in the world.....
"i feel so restless by just doing exactly nothING"..says my housemate...somehow i felt like she literally took the words out of my thoughts.....so it's about time to watch and listen from other kind of sources...received an sms from a friend of mine...inviting me to this(according to her) performance ...so i guess there will be some hippie singing and guitar playing chill out night...plus her bf is performing...so i did not hesitate on accepting the invite...

it was held at this bungalow in seputeh...some hippie bungalow ...with art work pasted/lying around ...barely any furniture around...well it's pretty cool...people sitting on the floor and stuffs..memang hippies la...at the door we were asked to sign in the guestbook and to my surprise..there's a column where we had to actually write down our blog address..(hmm..i wonder how this comes in handy)...well anyways...when i reached there..somebody was already performing....this guy and his guitar with a good voice and good music and good wordings...and hence a few other performances...i should really name one(person) that i like..his song and singing i mean...jerome kugan...he looks pretty wild with his pierced nostrils..but when he sings...it's just so subtle...pretty much intact with his feminine side..:)..but i love it...and then..there was some readings..and screening of "malaikat di jendela"..(this short film was banned due to certain elements which is considered offensive).....after half time being there..i then learned that this whole scene is an act of activism...which is meant as a protest on "violence against women"...maybe i was being ignorant...thinking that it was just this whole artsy fartsy thingy...

then i started to wonder...why are there certain pattern in this whole activism movements...like...it will mostly correlate with arts....yes...they believe in freedom of expression...through art and music and performing arts they convey their message.. what happens to the less talented or not so artistic people who have believes on activism...how do they fit in the picture?...

maybe it's too soon for me to understand the real deal...i mean arts and music is cool...and i am one of millions who knows how to appreciate and enjoy it...
activism makes us ponder upon certain matters that are hidden under our nose......
sometimes it brings us awareness...sometimes it creates certain feelings of rage.....so when rage is brought into the light of arts...it becomes slightly darker than it should....yes...i know...your mind clicked of RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE....it becomes a sudden sin when someone likes RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE(the band..the tune) but they don't understand their hidden message in their music...dikutuk oleh golongan aktivis(this is an example of the scenario not my personal experience)...there are some people who listens to music and enjoy it as so...some people interpret music into ways of life...or similar experiences...so if we truly believe in freedom of expression...kenapa mesti ade kejadian kutuk mengutuk ni kan?...

as analytical as i wanna be in each aspects....I CAN'T RELATE to all these corners....

The Build-Up

2005-12-10T03:13:00.000+08:00

The build-up
Lasted for days
Lasted for weeks
Lasted too long

Our hero withdrew
When there was two
He could not choose one
So there was none

Worn into the vaguely announced
Worn into the vaguely announced

The spinning top made a sound
Like a train across the valley
Fading, oh so quiet
But constant till it passed
Over the ridge into the distances
Written on your ticket
To remind you where to stop
And when to get off
(repeat)

scroll to the bottom...

Don't be fooled...it's another song lyrics...

2005-12-05T13:28:00.000+08:00

for a moment i feel lost in my own life translation...
i couldn't write...partly because i feel like i don't have things to write about...but come to think of it...i've been doing a bunch of silly things that i could bitch about how silly it was..hehheh

i may want to add certain song lyrics to make blogging a lot simpler than having to compose my own draggy words.....which is according to this some dude who claims he's a cat(yang keji)....adding song lyrics in blogs are like making your blog seems like a lyric search engine....:) ...but certain lyrics do summarize your certain pattern of life...you literally feel like you're not the only one who went through this and that...

god..i've been doing a lot of gamelan shows lately...it drains me in exhaustion...making easy money and losing it easily as well....getting some red highlights on my crown again...helped by dear housemates...and unwanted plans day by day....waking up late...and end the day at wee hours....and happy hour..as explained in iris' blog....it sound tiring....but not so much fulfilling...

went jungle trekking last weekend...unplanned again...i only brought my 3 quarter gym pants...and that's exactly what i wore up trekking...i love the part discovering that i still have that "trekking Skills"...or was it i'm more excited knowing that i'm not that OLD....well at least...i can still handle pacat....and the guys attention whenever i spotted some pacat on my legs/hands...and i still can control my machoness...without screaming...:P

relaxing...

not exactly the december i've been waiting for...but it's without predicaments...so i have no complaints...

Ramblings at 6 a.m

2005-11-25T05:51:00.000+08:00

aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
aku tlah terpagut oleh cintamu
menelusup hariku dengan harapan
namun kau masih terdiam membisu

sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
mendekap penuh harapan 'tuk mencintaimu
setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
menanti sebuah jawaban 'tuk memilikimu

betapa derunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
semoga kau tahu isi hatiku
dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

repeat reff

aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu

Watch Video Clip

Songs of Life in Times of Plague

2005-11-18T03:13:00.000+08:00

Don't be afraid of Death....be afraid of the Unlived Life....

years ago...i remembered watching discovery travel channel and came across a documentary about a cunning festival .....it was this event where people walking around town wearing exotic masks and costumes...i was monologuing...someday i'm gonna set foot on this place during this particular event...

unfortunately i was watching the end of the show and never got to know the name of the festival ...i was extremely dissapointed...and left it hanging for years until recently...
i was having this craze over the HBO series "THE CARNIVALE".......and just typical of me to google the show title on the net to find a little more info on the creator or the cast of the movie...
and i came across this site entitled "CARNEVALE" (pronounced as Carne Vale) ...and to my surprise it was this site about the same event i was looking for years ago on discovery channel!

WhAt a CoInCiDenCE!!!!!

i researched a little bit more about the festival...it is celebrated (mainly) in Venice....from 28th of January until 8th of February.....Carnevale comes from a Latin word which actually brings the meaning of "renunciation of meat"....i will not go through the whole carnevale history....though i read about it on the net...i would really love to go there someday to understand the history that has lead to the culture of this tradition.....

here are some pictures of the masquerade crowd in Venice during Carnevale.....

now you see why i want to go there....

Hari of Friends Hang Out

2005-11-18T02:06:00.000+08:00

Monday 14/11/2005

It wasn't intended to be the normal Hari Raya Open House...
i thought it'd be perfect if i just invite a few close friends ....and i'll cook some decent amount of meal to munch while we watch dvd or play music instead....
but it finally became the normal hari raya open house indeed
I became the normal host....with a baju kurung...
people stayed..and hang around for hours....just a few come to eat and go home...
but those who stayed...eat ever couple of hours......i'm happy...
i hope eveyone was...

Liberated Slithered

2005-11-18T01:48:00.000+08:00

4 girls in a bachelor house .....

night shorts and pajamas .....
pots and cokes .....
dvds and cameras...
snacks and chocolates...

4 liberated minds ...

thinking out of boundary....
talking of deceit and depression
sex and sexy...
love and marriage...
dreams and music....

4 cast of friends .....

the sensitive going on to passionate.....
the bubbly going on to kinky...
the artistic going on to honesty
the complicated going on to horny...

what a night
:)

Entertaining Muscle Sores Again!

2005-11-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

wuhuuu..
finally got my fat ass back to the gym again...!

what have i missed ?..the crowd?...have anything changed since my last visit?...around a couple of months ago ..i think.....

Not Much...

Just heard the news of some good instructors posted to beijing...what a waste....
the crowds?...hehehe let me tell you something about (most of) the crowds there....this is not just a place where they focus on how much sweat they produce daily...or how much calories they burned ...or have their muscles toned a bit more comparing to last week's effort.....this is indeed a social ground to them....you see them everyday....spending most of their time jogging on treadmills...or lifting weights...or queuing for the next aerobic class...back to back classes even....and the rest of the time...they chit chat.......or to be precise...created an atmosphere of a "pasar malam" out of the place....

It's the "IN" thing to be loud...and to blend in with the popular crowd...It's "COOL" to make a lot of noises....talking about how they've lost a few kilos....and on how they like certain classes...and how they hate that particular instructor....complaining about the management....and boast on how many kids they have....some of them are even grannies who have grandchildren but they are still living the "healthy" lifestyle.....fine ...it's okay to mingle around and motivate each other on their way to achieveing their fitness goals......but do you really have to be LOUD?...gosh.....laughing out LOUD to something that is not even funny.......and pretend to be so close to each other...that they hug each other in bear sweats.......i lay ears on their common topics ....but to no avail in catching my interest ....it's merely what we call CONVERSATION...it's just some harmonics of NOISE....

i have been joining the club for about a couple of years ...and to be honest...i have only a few friends....who talks some sense.....i have to say when it comes to friend's from the gym..i'd say...i choose them...might be perceived as stuck up by the loud crowd....but whenever i talk to those smaller group of people...i can sense them looking at us...and giving us that weird look..probably thinking "rarely hear her speak".....which is...a progress...for letting them know...just because they're loud...doesn't mean we have to make friends with them....
in reality...i think i make more friends than they do...more friends who speaks of things that are meaningful...and mind developing......and the living prove is that...they spend most of their time at the gym...hangin out with their gym mate...talking about the similar thing daily...

that surely tells you something...

so there i am back to the routine...attending steps aerobic classes ...running the adrenaline again.....I LIKE....

A song For Hari Raya Perhaps?

2005-11-05T07:35:00.000+08:00

Soul Singer

2005-11-05T06:59:00.000+08:00

I have been playing guitar for almost 11 years now...
the statement would just project an impression to others that i must be a good or skillfulled guitar player...

i'm just not...i strum/pluck some tunes whenever i'm the mood to do so...generally to songs that are commercialized.....and sing when i'm bored....or whenever i'm asked to...

but after all these years...i have come to realize that i've been writing some tunes and riffs here and there...some with lyrics to go along with....some with hummings...some are recorded in my PC.....some fully recorded...some halfly..or quarterly...some are just sang during the moment..and end up forgotten the very next day...or after a week......the point is...without me noticing....i've been secretly composing songs all these years.....and all the songs are what i call...MOOD-ORIENTED.....always whenever some incidents happen throughout my shaky life...i'd sit down and pick the guitar up and sing to whatever tune that suits the situation...be it happy or soppy....

I've played several instruments like organ..some piano...i even play the gamelan...but none of those are as intense as writing songs with the guitar that i owned almost as long as i started playing...the black accoustic...bought by my dad 11 years ago...it gets old..and dusty...and the strings are parted widely from the fret board...i could just swell the finger tips playing it too long...and even so i bought a new nylon-stringed classical guitar for the purpose of ..it could be a little bit easier for me to compose....but i still write songs with that particular black-guitar...let alone sell it....it's so cliched when they say certain paraphernalia just gives you sentimental values...

i never ever once let anybody listen to them.....always reason myself that it's not good...it's not commercial for public listening...it sounded like a nursery rhyme...or plain....crappy lyrics.....
but i guess all i wanted was to keep it personal...

yes it is very very personal to me...
it's not just what i strum and hum....
it's how i feel....

Now Who's the Man?

2005-11-05T06:40:00.000+08:00

a continuition of Tired of becoming like a man.....

what did i do?....i became the wo"man" instead....and step up...and correcting mistakes...and apologized....did i cry or weep?..did i ask the feared question to the confused man? "NO"

kenapa lar takut sangat?!...it's not like i'm gonna haunt you to the grave for just one incident..or accident....

Thanks to the GentleLady friend of mine who whacked me in the head and said ..."You Should Do the Deed of telling them that we women do not always and necessarily be emotional about everything"...and more she said .."If you're expecting them to come forward and come clean....it's just like waiting for some Angel falling down from the sky like rain..."

so i cleared my mind...gathered strength and ...nicely and gently compose my words ...and click the button send..(althought it's not as courageous as talking straight on the phone...hey...gimme some credits eh...atleast i'm tougher than the man)...

and....it was an immediate effect...later that night...we started talking like usual again...things are not heavily burdened on my chest anymore....

i came clean...and back smiling...

Whining on Second Raya

2005-11-05T05:48:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya...
Maaf Zahir dan Batin...

exactly who am i wishing?....whoever is reading...provided that they celebrate the festive..

Hari Raya is a good day...it is...
It is just not as enthusiastic as it is when i was a kid....
i remember that i always had 3 baju kurung for raya when i was younger....and now...i just couldn't bother...and supported by the fact that i could always invade mom's closet and choose any of her glamourous baju...even if it's mom's old ones...it always looks new on me..well to the very least to others' weary eyes...

Well..Raya certainly doesn't make problems lighter...indeed it makes you feel literally heavy...due to the non-stop consumption of food....it provides you medicine from laughters ...from listening to jokes from old folks and relatives ...it makes you delusional of gaining a little extra money in the pocket.....or along the way back to Kampung...it gives you the oppurtunity to apologize to people you have done wrong to...or indeed ..hoping for apologies from those who have done wrong to you.....perhaps i'd be sued for not understanding the true lights of Raya...but honestly ..deep down inside...i share the same concept that Hari Raya is a Bliss....a blessing...whatever word that describes it as a good day.....like temporary happiness..like drinking alcohol (..coming from someone who doesn't drink..this is a little weird).......

for the whole month of raya...we're given the chance to do the deeds....whenever someone wants to get grumpy...or angry...someone..or some inner voices will tell them..."Raya ni"...
and it's the time to pay someone a warm visit....and the time for someone to boast on their newly bought funiture...or baju...and this time around..it's just okay to give or accept those recognition...it's the time where people harnest their cooking style...or skill...it's time to put a lot of make ups on...It's the time to visit the foster homes to give donation without having people questioning your intentions(correction...people still do...).....it's also the time to watch free malaysian released movie(after a year period since it was screened at the cinema)....i managed to watch "buli"...and thought it was quite okay.....some morale..some reality and honesty...some childesh cartoonish effect....but overall i thought it was good...i chose to watch buli over sepet(they were showing at different channels..same timing) ..surely that tells you something...

It's also the time where i got commented for gaining some weight...and the time where i got asked..."bile nak kahwin/tunang ni?".....repeatedly...funny it used to be "dah ade yang special?"...but now they just went straight to point where they think marriage is the most popular and suitable solution for my age.....*sigh*....i'd be cynical or sarcastic to answer "esok"...but since it was a bunch of elderly people who's asking...i have to do the usual version of the Gadis Melayu type...where i just look down and smile(tunduk malu tersipu2..konon)...now who ever says "Gadis Melayu Tak Menawan?"!....hahaha...god i hate that song!....

All in all....it's a good feeling....i have my cousin to BULLY and make her watch series at nights with me...but it always ends with her ...snoring....
and me blogging...
:)

It's getting harder and harder to breathe

2005-10-28T12:41:00.000+08:00

ahhh i hate waking up feeling like this.....

i hate it..i just hate it...
i've been ignoring things ...being pretentious again...
why am i striving so hard to live like a man...
(not literally...but emotionally...emotionally?..or ...is it to my definition of living like a man means less emotions..or heartless)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to prepare myself from anything that is heart-breaking in life (series of unfortunates)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
humor me...

ego...

macho sangat ke aku ni?....

what's wrong with having a heart?

huh...why is the feeling so heavy?...why today?..why not immediately after things occur?..why not never?....

2 years of being macho doesn't pay off well anymore....

"independent from relationship" konon...why the fuck did i say that?

i've been used before..but never in life i felt like being used in a two-way manner...

mistakes ..mistakes....what happens after mistakes?......this..
and a lot of other complications....

it's just so hard for me to trust anyone....so hard...

it feels like you're falling off the cliff,

one hand clinging to the rocks....another one to someone who reaches out a hand...telling you let go of the hands on the rock and reach his other hand..so that he can pull you up....

you feel insecure...afraid...but you stared at his convincing eye...you reach his hand...and as soon as you do....

the person just let go of both hands.......

and let you fall off the cliff slowly.....not swiftly....

that's just how hard it is...to reach both hands to others....

i'm just looking forward for december....the rest can just ease by time...

Ada apa dengan December?

2005-10-28T12:24:00.000+08:00

1.It'll bring a lot of hope to many people..if there's not many...at least there's two people who are happy about it (.. :) )

2.It's the end of year..which means a new year resolution will come...or the carry forward of what haven't been fulfilled this year...

3.Mazzy Star sings to us "flowers of December"

4.Surprises of the longed awaited possibilities

5.It's a load of time for "feel-good" ....

6.A list of things to look forward to :

a. shows and more shows...
b. money and more money..
c. more money in the fund for the trip to australia
d. save and save the money for perhentian trip with coursemates...
e. if there's more money..i can even join a trip to korea...
f. and if there's a little bit more...i'll be joining rini to cameron...
g. freescale sdn. bhd. to send me my scholarship cheque ...again..money...
h. probably get myself a new handphone...or i'll just quit on using handphones..
i. money and traveling

7.plenty of time to spend at the gym.

8.plenty of time to blog

9.Joining the art performance group "artis penjuru alam"..doing theatrical, poetical, gamelan music activities

10.Progressing on thesis without any other obligations to think of

i'm one of the luckiest person to have a lot of things to do other than whining about how lonely this life is...

be at peace with yourself..

Compulsive overeating?

2005-10-28T04:11:00.001+08:00

arghh help....i'm starting to binge eating again....
15 sticks of satay for buka....recalling throughout my whole life..i don't think i've ever eaten more than 10 sticks...(10 is the stage where i feel like i can't breath and my stomach feels literally bloating)

and nasi goreng ayam for sahur..makan habis...(my housemate claims that she feels full seeing me eating like that)...

i hate whining about exams...but this is the time where i actually feel tempted for grumpiness..actually feel tempted to watch horror movies...temptations on food...temptations on watching series....

here's the explanation on how it relieves you from the stress..(from my account):

eating : i think it starts with the habit of munching while you're studying..music used to work on this.....but nowadays...satisfying the taste buds seems to conquer you more than the listening pleasure...

horror flicks : the feeling of fear or shock element seems to beat the fear of the doom of exams....it makes you think less about the horror of the possibilities of killer questions....

drama series : you can't stop watching...it makes you forget time..it makes you daydream of a perfect and satisfying life...it makes you think that you're the actress in the movie....it makes you a fool..but you just tend to succumb to it...

yes of course i'm gaining kilos...i'm not the skinny high-metabolism woman who's just lucky to be type.....(but i know where they hide all the fats...hehehe).....
cepat la habis raya.....i miss fitness first ...i miss nicholas my steps aerobic instructor and all the gym crowd who still cares about looking well...

Am i A Hater?

2005-10-25T16:45:00.000+08:00

i've been receiving rare mails in myspace questioning about the list of "Hate" and "Admire"...in the "about me" column

stressing on the hate-list:

"hater of:contradiction....silence...hypocritism...lonesome ...indifference....paranoia...exxageration..."kiasu"-ism.. ..violence...rasicism....rapism.. sexism...freaky rules of the so-called human rights(" i jason...take you matthew... as my beloved ...husband?..wife?..fag spouse?).......too much of the "i beg to differ" attitude ...practice of the so-called values you uphold-when you really have none.... when emotion rules-run abreast the ability to think...drama queen/king...unrealist....atheist... negativity-against-whatever-crosses-your mind attitude..boredom...come-follow-me-because-i'm-cool attittude...i'll-follow-you-because-you're-cool attitude..dizzy.... selfishness(you stink like fishes)...denial...iemanayu.......haters"

i don't personally hate these matters of subject nor the person who upholds the mentioned reputation....

it's about normal to object indecent human behaviour such as violence, rasicism...kerek..kekwat... whatever you call it...but when it comes to believes or ideology that contradicts to what we have been instilled in our minds since we were toddlers...such as being an atheist..or being gay...is just something your mind doesn't simply approves......

i don't hate them as a person who breathes the same air through the same lungs ...and have over the years befriended them and have no problems getting along...but it just doensn't mean i can be comfortable that they are different...or think differently....like an atheist doesn't fast like we muslims do...(even so people who still proclaim they're muslims doesn't fast these days)....and gays giggling whenever they see a hot man passes by.....but i expect them to respect the people who do by their "knowledge" on people who still have religion or uphold the lifestyle within the norm...

i hereby stress that i'm not a hater...read the last of my list...I'm a hater of HATERS

The Demise of a Fighter

2005-10-20T14:46:00.000+08:00

No i'm not speaking of any character in "Mortal COmbat"
I'm speaking of an aged, woman, fighting breast cancer throughout her remaining life..
our Malaysian First Lady, Datin Seri Endon Mahmood.
She passed away this morning at 7.50 am...after surviving 18 days from her last treatment cancer in Los Angeles.

I quote from the previous local newspaper "Datin Seri has just gone through her treatment in LA and she's getting better and happier after coming back from the treament"...
It's all in God's hand ....Al-fatihah to her , may she rest in peace.

After reading the news...I can't stop thinking about mama ( also a cancer treatment survivor ).
I'm sad to learn the decease of Datin Seri, at the same time i'm strucked with fear...
all the mixed feelings...certainly not a good morning to start with...
i'm already thinking about how she would handle the news...emotionally....
will it affect her strength ?....or it will it shatter in debris with the little crack of fear..
i wish i could be at home right now...turn the TV off when it's the news prime time ..or just hide all the newspaper...preventing her from knowing...
but then again ...she's at the office...probably door knocked by her staff...telling her the sad news..acting like it's just another gossip to spread....

It's getting harder to breath in here...
i might just pack my bags and head home tonight...

FADING?

2005-10-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

Random Red Shiny Apple or Random Rotten Ones?

2005-10-18T21:25:00.000+08:00

my roommate told me , someone read my blog and said i'm too complicated, that i make a big fuss out of small things....well hell yeah...and i'm sure glad i am...

i don't simply go the market, and grab some apple, put it in the bag, pay it off, and just go home finding out that within those apples, there are some few rotten apples and almost take a big bite on a fruit worm...

i'd usually go through a maximum amount of apples to select, and look thoroughly one by one, making sure that it's red enough, shiny enough, the fruit texture is just lean like those wallpaper photos of tempting red apples, yes true that although it looks nice on the outside, it doesn't mean that it's a perfect apple....well at least i won't whine as much as i do for not doing the selection in the first place, i live in a peaceful manner not living in bigger regrets....

i don't know why it bothers him much that i complicate things that way...as far as i'm concern, i only complicate on my writings...never really portray that proclaimed image outside ...and this blog is like the thinking cap of miss random hearts of Nina : on way i perceive things ....it's not like i go and give a good nagging at the person who sells the apple..saying that he sells bad apples..making him feel all guilty...bak kata orang melayu..(tak sampai menyusahkan orang lain!)

see what i'm doing right now?...it's an apple story for god's sake..it's suppose to make the SIMPLE people understand what i'm trying to project...in the end...i just complicate the poor apple story....

This is what it does to me

2005-10-18T20:18:00.000+08:00

i've been stucked with the same pattern of routine for days now, switching between books and notebook, listening to the same songs on repeat mode, cooking for buka, sahur with my hommies, having kopitiam sessions in the late mornings, sleeps after subuh, wake up at noon, and hence the cycle again...
keeping all matters of heart aside, or if i'm at the wrong, matters of heart becomes top of the hots as it always has during exams...
i've refrained myself from blogging, knowing that i'd spend an evening writing long ramblings, that i could've spend the time blogging doing something i should be doing, studying. Yes i did my fair time studying, but in between break, i can't help getting myself to read "rich dad, poor dad", only to embark the feeling of education alone is not enough towards a picture of a comfortable life ahead. Lucky i like the subject i'm studying, control system design, which actually reflects on the true art of engineering; "designing"....it's not a boring major after all....
sometimes when i'm bored flipping books, i get my virtual ass on IRC just for the sake of pissing people off and laughing mad at the responds i get, yeah...it's not so 'nice' to do that..but then again...who ever said i was nice?.....

Mari memasak....

2005-10-07T09:08:00.000+08:00

Solat Hajat + berbuka Puasa
around 30 People..
Gamelan Club

The Preparation

The Crowd

The Process

The Outcome

I just have to let you go...

2005-10-07T09:02:00.000+08:00

My nose piercing.....
It's just so hard to maintain!...
Damn it!

The Syndrome is Back

2005-10-05T10:26:00.000+08:00

MORBID

Reality Check

2005-10-01T03:09:00.000+08:00

The Reasons of Why I Do the Things I Do...Unpredictably & Predictably

On Being Buzy

I'm a normal human being
I'm keeping myself busy cause i can't stay unoccupied for long as i will go crazy doing nothing
I'm a regular student who's trying to catch up with her studies
I'm a net addict who browses around for information and sometimes ignore chats...
I'm usually glued to the computer settling my assignments and thesis
I'm a leader of certain Club and Organization which i need to attend to as part of my obligation
I'm a daughter who cares for her family and rather spend her weekend at home..with them
I'm a friend who has best friends who needs best friends at their gloomy moments...
I'm a social person who neutralize my lonely days with fun and friends..
I'm a person who sometimes need my own peace of time
I'm splitting my time in a day for all these...so if you think that i'm making excuses...think again.

On Sudden Mood Swing

i get tired of keeping up to my hectic life....
i get tired of listening to what other people perceive of me...
i get tired of people telling me what to do...
i get tired of people disrespecting me
i get tired of listening to the same thing again and again...
i get tired of people trying to take advantage on me..
i get tired of being lonely...
i get tired of being around people....
i get tired of money issues.....
i get tired of assignment and thesis burden...
i get tired of always trying and never getting any return
i get tired of myself for no reason...

On Love Wise

I don't have time for a relationship....
even if i do...i need a man to love and to be loved...not a boy to babysit....and tell them what and what not to do all the time...
i define a man as a person who knows how to make decisions...who will not give me a hard time all the time...who i can't reason why i love them ...i just do....who have their own dreams..and be supportive towards mine....
call me a bitch for maybe i am....i don't care.....

I'm not choosy..most people think i am...
i just don't go accepting anybody who comes along the way just to fill in the blank....
and later decide that things just couldn't work...and move on the next...
i spare you from wasting your time as well as mine.....
i'm defensive over matters of feelings when it comes to love matters...
i'm don't wanna hurt or be hurt...
I usually open up the door of chance to everyone..but silently decide wether it's a Go or No-Go
A No-Go would usually end up as a normal friend that i cherish so much and none other..so i'll get annoyed if they tend to go overboard...
A Go so far has not been in my list of luck.....it's either they're someone elses fiance, or bf, or husband..with the lame reason that ( i discover you late)....or too far to be reach at moments of need...or typically they're not into me..hahahaha..hands off of people's property.....
so am i really that choosy?..or the choice is just never mine?

On Procrastinating

This usually comes out as a rebound to stress and too much of burden....
It's easier thinking about food rather than datelines...it's easier to waste time on the internet learning web designing which is not at all related to what i major rather than working on programming as assignments....
i watch movies during exams....i skip classes to finish up assignments which is due on that day.....i go back home when i'm fed up with everything
it's a bliss to just run away ...but sadly i know by hook or by crook...i can't...

On Being Angry/Emotional eruptive

i always remind myself to be positive and patient...
i'm aware that people get angry when things doesn't turn out to what they expected...
when i receive too much burden..it's just a time for a burst out..be it eruptive, or in terms of tears in laughters....or smashing paraphernalias..or just shutting off from people....or saying things i don't mean to....
i just realize that i can't store everything inside...it has to go somewhere...and if it's to any of you..i'm sorry....

I conclude

I sometimes need my space to do my wrongs ..... and the spurr of the moment..regret my doings...rethinking of the situation again....and recovering...and preach myself to corrections....just please do not shun away from me for my alienating behaviour...as i don't get to do it everyday...(not that i'm allowed to do it sometime)...people just don't understand me by seeing my laughters and hearing my jokes when i'm feeling all blue deep down inside...so sometimes when i show it off...they just think i'm acting weird